Well, it's that time of year again - the weather's getting colder, the leaves are falling from the trees, and the skies are ominous. People eat too much, decorate their yards, and compare nightmares. Yes, it's election season! And to get you in the spirit, to make sure you're fully informed as to from whence the suspense-filled horror of America's governance radiates, well, here's a 1957 comic all about visiting the epicenter of Federal authority, good old Washington DC.
Courtesy your local member of the House Of Representatives - that is, if you happen to live in Ohio's third district during a fairly specific time period - here's everything you need to know about seeing the never-ending sights of the most interesting city in the whole wide world. And when you're done visiting New York City, Washington is a nice place to visit, too.
A well-known Washington insider and K Street lobbyist extraordinaire, "Uncle" Ben knows how to make things happen on the floor of Congress, in the cloakroom after the sessions, or in the back room of one of the many after-hours bars that cater to the thirsty and powerful. And here he is, wasting his weekend showing his sister's hayseed family around, when he could be on the golf course with Barry Goldwater getting some deals done. Oh well.
NOTE: Make sure the Smithsonian is actually open before you haul the family 800 miles to see the the DeKooning at the National Portrait Gallery. It's just common sense, people.
NOTE: "symbol of freedom to all the world" not valid in some parts of "the world"
We can't miss statues of great American leaders like Lincoln, John Quincy Adams, Henry Clay, Horace "Go West Young Man" Greely, and, uh, Andrew Johnson? That's who you're going with, Andrew Johnson? What's the matter, was the Teddy Roosevelt statue out getting cleaned?
And with the magic of acoustics, a boring room full of boring old statues is transformed into a mysterious realm of wonders!
I am honestly surprised that this comic didn't include a blank space here in this dialogue balloon so that the Senator or Representative who handed these out to constituents could write in his own name. Hey kids, here's a fun game - wait until Strom Thurmond starts filibustering, and then break out the air horn!
"Attention. Will ALL senators PLEASE keep their head and arms inside the car at ALL TIMES. THIS MEANS YOU, KEFAUVER"
The elaborate symmetry of Washington's streets lends itself to all sorts of interpretation, including entire schools of thought that believe the city was built according to secret demonic rituals.
Oh you thought I was kidding? But enough about false gods and blood oaths and all the other colorful highlights of DC traffic. Let's continue our tour.
NOTE: "Equal Justice Under Law" is more of what we like to call a "serving suggestion." Your own results may vary.
What's more insane, Pat's ridiculously over the top performance here, or the fact that things are so slow in the old home town that the Jones Family making a trip up I-95 to see the Washington Monument is banner-headline news?
Today the White House is completely modern, with an a-bomb shelter in the basement. Because nothing says "modern" like being bombed back to the Stone Age. But let's go in the East Gate and take a tour of the White House. I hope you remembered to book your tour 21 days in advance! (Seriously, that's what you have to do these days. When I was a kid you just rolled up and said I'm a taxpayer dammit, lemme in there!)
East Room, Blue Room, Green Room, Red Room, State Dining Room, don't strain yourselves coming up with clever names for these rooms, gang
Yup, they started building the Washington Monument, and then there was a brief interruption in which the land was used as a cattle ranch, and then it was back to building. And then, finally, the monument was able to fulfill the ultimate purpose our founding fathers intended - as a backdrop for one of Spider-Man's most amazing battles with The Vulture, in that movie from a few years back.
Of course, that's the OLD inscription. Now it simply reads "Ape Must Not Kill Ape."
It's CRAZY HANDGUN DAZE down at the FBI! Come on in and choose from any one of hundreds of vintage firearms! Not shown here is the part of the tour where they take you to the indoor firing range and Special Agent Bob unloades a few magazines from a real tommy gun. Seriously, that's on the tour! It's awesome!
The shock of witnessing Lincoln's assassination transformed Ford's Theater into a mere two-dimensional representation of its former self, as shown here.
We never get to see the full extent of that Jefferson quote, which goes on to explain that this is why the clergy of several religions hate him.
Statuary, monuments, firearms - what kids REALLY want to see are the dinosaurs. And not just on the Senate floor, there are dinosaurs in the Smithsonian too!
And for some weird reason this comic decides to make a stop at Robert E. Lee's mansion. I guess this comic had a lot of cranky, easily offended readers in the South.
If that demonic arrangement of Washington streets wasn't enough, here's an entire Masonic memorial dedicated to Master Mason George Washington! What sinister influence did this mystery society have on the founding of our country? Is this why they wear fezzes and drive little cars? Well, I'd tell you, but I swore an oath. I've said too much.
This panel right here commemorates the last time anyone ever said "We'll be there in no time at all" before driving in Beltway traffic!
Here's where George spent his halcyon post-Presidential retirement years, growing hemp and distilling liquor. That's MY retirement plan right there. You know who didn't get to enjoy retirement? Washington's slaves, that's who- they weren't freed until George passed away.
Why not visit Mt. Vernon yourself and be the six or seven millionth person to make the "George Washington Slept Here" joke, just to see the pained expressions on the faces of the museum staff?
Special thanks to Congressman Rodney Love, one-term Third District Representative from Ohio! You know, KISS wrote a song about him, but had to change it slightly - turns out "They Call Me Congressman Love" doesn't quite have the proper ring to it.
We hope you've enjoyed this trip to Washington DC and we encourage you all to visit the District in person sometime, maybe not the summer, it's pretty sweaty there. We also encourage all Americans to further celebrate American freedom by getting out there and doing some voting! See you at the polling station!
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