Okay kids we're going to Walt Disney World!! (Yaaaayy!)

But first we are going to EPCOT Center! (Booooooo!)

But first you get to read a comic book with Mickey and Goofy! (Yaaaaay!)

And the comic book is all about The Universe Of Energy Presented By Exxon! (Booooo!)


A half-hearted, "gotta-get-that-quasi-educational content into the children's fun" spirit hovered over Disney theme parks as a whole, what with their Carousels Of Progresses and their Great Moments With Mister Lincolns and their GE People Movers. But when EPCOT opened, the corporate synergy became the whole show, as America's most unloved businesses teamed up to try and soften the inevitable blow when America's children learn of these corporations' respective public relations disasters. "But they were sponsoring Walt Disney rides, certainly they can't all be petrochemical spills and chromosomal damage!" Yes they can, Billy. Yes they can.

So let's get with two of America's most beloved cartoon characters and one of America's least beloved corporate behemoths and explore the universe of public relations! I mean, Energy.


"Gee, this looks like fun" is not a normal reaction to the Exxon logo, unless you're a masochist who really gets off on skyrocketing gas prices. Not gonna judge, Mickey! You do you.


Wow! Those energy sources range from the incredibly environmentally destructive to some that have almost no environmental impact at all! I wonder which ones Exxon is going to be promoting.


Oil is the most important, most valuable energy source on Earth, says a comic book written by... the marketing department of a company that sells... oil. Not a surprising position, really.


Over millions of years our fertile Earth produced enormous numbers of plants and animals. As they died their carbon and hydrogen became embedded in the ground, except when these elements rose into the air to helpfully form the words "Carbon" and "Hydrogen."


Thus is the fate of all flesh! To spend millions of years being decomposed and compressed into various hydrocarbon compounds!


I know Goofy is frequently described as "childlike," but his use of the phrase "I'm glad those dinosaurs aren't around" is something no child would ever say. Real children are all "DINOSAURS?? WHERE? SHOW ME!!"


Goofy just described the most terrifying nightmare every Exxon executive ever had. But surely Mickey will set him straight. We'll never run out of oil, right?


NO MICKEY!! SAY IT'S NOT SO!!


Even the animatronic dinosaur is fretting about having to cope in a world without oil!


Well, we will start by offloading the responsibility for conserving oil onto you, the average consumer. Turn off your lights! Turn down your thermostat! Ignore Sammy Hagar and drive 55! It's up to YOU! It's not up to corporations and industry to reduce THEIR energy consumption, that possibility won't even be brought up.


"Sometimes we can't depend on other countries" is surprisingly candid insight into foreign policy, coming as it does from a cartoon mouse acting as a corporate spokesperson.


First I started wondering where exactly Goofy was driving to all the time. Then I started wondering how the hell this bumbling man-child ever passed the exam to get his driver's license in the first place. Best to not think about it too much.


Wow, a claim from experts! Well here in the future we have the benefit of history and can see exactly how much of our future oil comes from Alaska. And it's not a lot. It's like four percent. Take that, "experts."


"Permafrost." Now there's a name I haven't heard in a long time. Seems like that "permafrost" is melting in a lot of places, for some reason that may be connected to all this oil and gas production, somehow, can't quite put my finger on it.


Valdez, why does that name sound familiar? What was the name of that oil tanker that, you know, spilled eleven million gallons of crude oil into Prince William Sound? I think it was named Valdez. What was that word in its name that came before Valdez? Started with an "E" and I believe I recall they sponsored a World Of Energy exhibit at Walt Disney World's EPCOT Center. If I'm remembering correctly, that is.


Would love to see Mickey's airplane and helicopter rental budget for this project! Who am I kidding, it's Exxon paying the bills, the sky is the limit.


In the words of a great statesman, we do not do these things because they are easy. We do these things because they are immensely profitable.


Gawrsh, just think of the expense and hardship those good people at Exxon go through to make sure we can gas up our General Motors vehicles and drive to Disneyland. I sure hope we never run out of that valuable oil, the most important energy source in the world.


But we need different forms of energy, we need to find sources that aren't oil... but still are non-renewable fossil fuels found under the ground that we can drill for. We can't let all that equipment just sit around idle!


Oh wait, we could use electricity for this stuff? Hold on there Mister Astounding Science Fiction, let's not get too wild and far out here!


Grudgingly, hesitantly, Mickey explains through gritted teeth the means whereby non-petroleum based forms of energy are generated.


But let's take a short detour to smile and talk about another extractive and environmentally destructive energy source, coal. Coal! It's what's for breakfast.

Environment. Hmm, that's a word I haven't seen used in this comic yet. Well, I'm sure we'll get at least a page discussing the environmental impact of producing and using oil and gasoline. Quite sure.


Did you know in the future nuclear energy could provide endless energy? "Too cheap to meter," they said. And then the power utilities got into the act and suddenly things got a lot more expensive, for some mysterious reason.


Again we use our Future Knowledge to fact-check Mickey's predictions and we can see that nuclear power delivers 18% of America's electricity. So he wasn't far off. Interestingly enough, 22% of US electricity comes from a source never mentioned here, something fearful to every Exxon exec, something called "renewables."


Come on, Exxon, people have been making oil and gas out of coal for years. Entire nations have converted to this process! Like, you know, Germany in the 1940s. And that worked out for them, right? Right?


Quit hollering at the displays, Goofy! Imagine taking him through "Pirates Of The Caribbean" and listening to him holler warnings to all the animatronic pirates and wenches. "Look out lady that pirate is chasing you!" Meanwhile oil shale production continues to brutally scar the landscape producing tarry, low-grade oil fit only for export. Sorry Mickey, you'd better wait until oil's north of $50 a barrel before investing in that potential!


Finally we get to a non-polluting, renewable energy source that uses no oil or gas, which means it hardly warrants a mention in Exxon propaganda. Wow, solar panels help to partially power moving theater cars? Way to barely acknowledge it, comic.

If you recognize this panel from a Stupid Comics we did a while back, you are correct. We're doing our part to save energy by recycling our content!


Finally we have Goofy's dynamic brain firing on all one of its cylinders, ready to learn lots more about energy and fossil fuels and C02 emissions and anthropogenic climate change and... what's that? The comic is already over without ever using the words "pollution" or "environment" or "emissions?" Well, that's Exxon for ya.


Ha! You think you can get along without gasoline? You'd have to pedal for nine days to equal the kilowatt-hours in one gallon of gas! Or, you could just run a hydroelectric dam for approximately ten seconds. Take your pick.


Just remember that when you're on the road and there's a honest to gosh tiger chasing you, what you want in your car is 100% gasoline to keep you moving away from its slashing claws and sharp, tearing teeth. Nothing but gasoline will give you the acceleration and speed you need. Why not stop at the convenient Exxon station near the entrance to the Magic Kingdom and make certain your gas guzzler has enough gas to guzzle?

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