It's 10:00. Do you know where your Teen Titans are? When last we left the narcing superhero team, they were fighting drug dealing carnies or something and now we're back with more finger wagging!

The creators of this drug-awareness educational comic really knew what they were doing when they chose the right franchise to appeal to their target audience -- I am of course talking about the Keebler Elf, who is a hero to every stoner who ever had the munchies. I'm not sure the early 1980s was really a peak time for the (new) Teen Titans but never the less, here they are comforting a group of sad 80s kids & teens as Green Arrow's sidekick Speedy (aka the one with the drug problem) carries off another kid, who has overdosed, or passed out, or fell asleep reading this comic.

Before we start our story of drugs and redemption, let's first read an inspiring message from the spokesperson for 80s teens everywhere, "Yayey Reagoy".

First we're introduced to the first of many 80s teens narrating their descent into the depraved world of druggies, and you can't get much more 80s teen than Debbie here, with her headband and pearl necklace (back when "pearl necklace" just meant pearl necklace). Debbie introduces us to the "try parents' booze to hard drug" pipeline, which was a common thread among drug-awareness stories written by middle aged people in the 1980s.

She's tried hash, hash oil AND pot, which kind of feels like the drug user version of padding your resume, like I get that they're all technically different things but do you really need to break it down that much? Especially since you kind of slip PCP in there real sneaky-like? Is that not burying the lede, as they say?

The story proper opens with the Teen Titans comin' at ya! All your favourite teen superhero characters are here, Robin, er, Speedy, Starfire, Wonder Girl, Cyborg, Changeling aka Beast Boy and of course, the most beloved super hero of all, The Protector, whose sole purpose is to be against drugs, like really really against drugs.

I realize Speedy has more experience in the drug world than Robin but I can't help but think that if Robin was here he wouldn't be weird and say "scums", I mean it's commonly understood that "scum" can be plural.

In American superhero fashion, the gang chit-chats casually about the dangers of drug use as they knock the shit out of a bunch of suit-wearing drug... dealers? Manufacturers?

Uh-oh, watch out guys... anyone describing themselves as an "empath" is an immediate red flag!

This is your Raven on drugs. Any questions?

The Titans follow Raven's mystical magnet to a young boy who appears to be conscious and responding pretty normally to the spectacle of watching spandex-clad teenagers beat the crap out of drug merchants. Never the less, they decide he needs to be flown via freaky alien girl to the nearest hospital, which will definitely not cause him any mental or physical distress.

NOOOO Starfire, I know you're upset because the poor boy you traumatized just died, but you just destroyed the headquarters of Purdue Pharmaceuticals... wait, no, actually, that's fine, carry on

The wind, but also maybe the sad moaning of people who were still in the factory when she demolished it. Who, we can only hope and pray, were members of the Sackler family.

Meanwhile, Raven, empath that she is, can't resist eavesdropping on Debbie's parents, as Debbie just happens to be going through DTs just across the hall. Step one is removing that headband.

Sheesh, the nerve of that kid, being upset about his sister being on the verge of dying. Can't he see a green weirdo in a skintight jumpsuit is trying to give him some unidentified liquid?

No shit Raven, you're in a hospital.

Time for another padded drug resume, this time by the dead boy's little sister, who, at age 12, may be too young to understand that Quaaludes ARE downers. Or maybe I'm wrong and I'm too old, who knows!

People Magazine, which was all the rage among 80s teens.

More of that "I am an empath" business, in job interviews she probably lists "caring too much" as her greatest flaw. Wonder if she can feel the pain of all the Sacklers Starfire just destroyed?

Ya think your costumes might be scary? Speedy, these kids are tripping balls, of course they find you scary.

Oh, brother, here we go. Robin Hood's merry man is gonna do a Scared Straight.

And so, the aptly-named Speedy gets his own full-page spotlight.

Honestly, if there's a funnier mental image than Speedy sitting around in his Robin Hood getup with a bunch of ca 1983 adolescent stoners, I've yet to imagine it!

Great, Speedy says ONE potentially interesting thing and immediately changes the subject. C'mon bruh, we wanna hear, HOW sick???

Starfire's back there thinking "Hunger that won't go away? That is what the little Keebler man is there for."

j/k, I don't think she's thinking anything at all.

They're on the beach, Beast Boy. Let them relax!!

Yeah, sorry, there's no force on Earth that could get me to call Beast Boy "Changeling".

Stealthily, the stealthy Teen Titans hide their stealthy jet plane behind a rock, partially anyway, and make their stealthy way into the mountains in their incredibly stealth-like brightly coloured superhero costumes.

So you don't work for Customs, except when you work for Customs. Why you gotta be like this, Protector?

YAY! Time for another "Spotlight on Youth" monologue!

Looks like the drug he got into most was whatever turned Michael Jackson into a zombie at the end of the "Thriller" video

Is... is he smoking the stuff he's just noted is laced with poison?

Protip: If you're going to your brother's funeral, don't smoke a drug that is known to give people "the giggles"

We now interrupt this dramatic funeral scene for yet another kid bragging about how cool he is because he takes lots of drugs.

Drug dealers, notorious for giving cocaine away for free, to children who will absolutely be able to pay the current street price of $120/gram once they're hooked.

Of course they're trying to run off, some nut is firing arrows at them.

Yeah, I can tell you must totally hate picking up a whole-ass van and shaking it out like a Christmas stocking, then punching a guy so hard your fist goes halfway through his abdomen. Such a drag!

Oh, look, Raven is acting weak and going on about being an empath again, looks like she spotted a potential audience.

Not exactly sure how Rog's story makes him any different than the other kids, but in case you're wondering how his brother wound up in the hospital...

That's how. PCP doesn't kill people, cars kill people!

Bear in mind too, these are the same kids that were high as kites at their friend's brother's funeral like a day ago.

*Harp glissando*
*All lights dim, save a single spotlight*

Roger: I take glue

Now we smash cut to Roger and what remains of his gang in the Center for Crowding Children Into a Room With Their Parents and also Superheroes

And so we leave the drug-addled children with Betty, who unfortunately isn't sufficiently interesting enough to merit more than a single panel for her back story. Maybe next cautionary comic Betty!

WAIT DON'T GO YET! As a recovering druggie, you must now complete these fun activity pages! Here's youth counselor Keebler Elf to help you with your vision board.

I want a giant question mark in my room!!! I'm The Riddler!!

Or y'know, some clothes or something would be nice.

Since this is a comic aimed at superhero fans, I'm guessing "Powerful" ranks #1 with the rest a distance second.

My dreams usually involve wandering in a dark, labyrinthian city and having to jump over frogs, so I don't think it'd fit in that little panel.

And uh, which one of these careers DOESN'T involve a lot of drugs?

Mr. Keebler Elf (PsyD in child psychology), how do you deal with the opposing viewpoints posed by the kids who filled out this comic book activity page? One of them was so distraught they had to use the facing page to finish their thoughts!

ummm yeah pretty much everything on this list goes into the "alone" box so not sure where you're going with that, Dr. Elf. Yes, even cards. ESPECIALLY cards.

Yikes! I appreciate defacing educational comics as much as the next person, but save this shit for 4Chan or 8Chan or wherever racist 12 year olds go these days

(seriously, it was pretty offensive)

It's up to you to decide for yourself whether or not to use drugs, so do what this cookie mascot says, as dictated by US Customs!

Whatever dude, you're like one step away from being the AAU Shuperstar.

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