Come with us now back to that cherished decade, the 1980s, when aerobics and synthesizers ruled the land, along with adorable little characters created by greeting card companies to be turned into marketing phenomena sold to children and old maids of all ages! Yes, I am of course talking about The Get Along Gang...

...oops, sorry, I mean, The Shirt Tales...

...wait, what am I talking about? I meant The Hugga Bunch...

...ARGH no, I mean, the Care Bears. Those fuzzy little busybodies who browbeat you into happiness, the embodiment of the phrase "toxic positivity", the Care Bears!

But first, I'm going to have to ask you this skill-testing question: Can you help the Fantastic Four out of this maze? Answer at the end of this whatever this is.

It's an artist throwing a temper tantrum! In other words, an artist!

Is he saying "OK, Good luck, Bear" or "OK, Good Luck Bear"? Also what pronouns should I be referring to these things as? I seem to recall some are male and some are female but damned if I can remember which are which, especially since I think some of them changed from the 80s to the recent version so forget it I'm just gonna refer to them with male pronouns because none of them are wearing bows or big fake eyelashes.

Anyway, Good Luck Bear now has a concussion.

Let's just get this out of the way: Winslow Homer was a renowned painter of the 19th century, who painted, among many other things, The Herring Net:

Which is of course most famous for hanging in my parents' dining room for most of my childhood and adolesence. Well, most famous to me.

I'm not even gonna address the real elephant in the panel, which is that Tenderheart Bear keeps changing from orangey brown to brown-brown.

"I dunno, he took a huff from that tube marked 'airplane glue' and then zoned out"

Speaking of drawings coming to life and bombs, what do you think of that Harold and the Purple Crayon movie that's coming up?

Just out of sight, there's someone looking out the window of that apartment building excitedly watching a rainbow explode.

*sigh* OK, so, Pratt Institute is a famous art and architecture school located in Brooklyn, New York, and Viktor Frankenstein was a fict...

...hold on, just getting this bulletin. It says "we don't need every stupid reference explained, this isn't Family Guy".

Okay, carrying on then

It's too bad they both got expelled after one semester because they spent the entire time painting boobs in their dorm room.

who the hell forgets about something like that?

OK, but a regular pipe bomb would work too.

Winslow's a pretty fast artist, I'll give him that! It would've taken me a lot longer to neatly outline and paint all those polka dots while talking threateningly at some marketing characters created by a greeting card company.

Again, they all hang out in the same place, you can just plant a pipe bomb.

That's IT! We'll read to him from Stephen King's "Thinner" written under his pseudonym, Richard Bachman!

OHHHHH, he's just going to douse it in paint thinner and set it on fire. That makes a lot more sense.

This would've made a nice greeting card!

*sigh* The Monster Mash was a novelty song from 1962 by Bobby "Boris" OW HEY STOP HITTING ME

Did his ex-roommate create that monster on the middle right or...?

The Care Bears are gonna set his painting on fire!

At least, not until they invent the internet. Then, it's SWAT-ing all day and all night! Disagree with ME about the design changes to Bayonetta, will you??

Well, they could've set it on fire, but instead the semi-destroyed painting is left as a stunning and original commentary on the modern art world. Makes ya think man! Look at those dumb critics, so enamored with this hideous mess they don't even notice 3 sentient teddy bears holding an empty can of paint thinner. Then again, they've probably all inhaled enough thinner fumes they're not sure what they're seeing.

Yes, TWO jokes about getting high on huffing fumes! Suck it haters!

"I didn't understand what your asshole metaphor meant until now!"

I too like my art a lot more when people give me money for it. No shit.

I don't know that the art critics that went wild over a goopy mess of half-dissolved paint are going to love his "psychotic bear-themed hot air balloon" period.

In our next Care Bears adventure, we visit Rainbow Lake, because they don't have a seaside to visit like most of us do. Wait, what?

Meanwhile, weirdly realistic-looking children are up to no good at their local seaside resort, obvious juvenile delinquents with their stickers and their bags of boiled woodchips.

That red flag couldn't possibly be a red flag, could it?

"Swimming baths"? Wait a second, this Care Bears comic is British! No wonder it's so preoccupied with misbehaving children at the beach.

That's right, the Care Bears are terrifying gods who direct your reality as if it were a movie! That's the terrible power of the British Care Bears.

So British Care Bears aren't so much about "caring" as they are about "water safety". Hey, I get it, it's an island nation, kids need to learn water safety. Maybe not these kids though, these kids seem bad.

Anyway, remember, the sea is NOT like the baths!

UGH who even cares about Care Bears that aren't from the good old US of A? Here's the answer to the skill testing question; if you couldn't figure it out please scroll back up and forget you read this.

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