Time once again to take a deep psycho-social dive into the hopes and fears of the average British schoolgirl as revealed by the only true measure of a nation's collective unconscious, the comic book. With entire lines of comics aimed directly at UK girls, never before or since have we been given this chance to peer deep into hitherto unrevealed realms of what offices full of middle-aged men thought would be interesting to girls a third their age.
How many girls haven't been kept up nights worried sick that their parents or guardians would trick them into pretending to be a robot on the 1920s vaudeville stage? Most of them, I believe.
Karel Capek had just coined the word "robot" in his influential 1921 play "R.U.R." only a few years earlier, so it's obvious Uncle Syd here was up to date with modern trends in Czech theater! And the gunmen here stealing the robot have obviously seen the play and know how it ends (with "destroy all humans", of course) and are merely trying to forestall the robot holocaust!
But before we continue our thrilling adventure, let's pause for a word from our sponsor.
Excited to learn British snack foods are protected by legions of kids equipped with motorcycles and tanks armed with various powerful rays, and marketed with advertising that tells us absolutely nothing about the product, except that apparently it's enjoyed by kids equipped with motorcycles and tanks armed with various powerful rays.
I always say the best way to hijack a fake robot is with a fake gun. That way when you get arrested, they have to send you to fake jail. It's the law!
Get in the robot, get out of the robot, this is tiresome! Why don't you just build a real robot, Uncle Syd? How hard could it be?
But first, another word from our sponsor.
Be sure to catch the action packed film The Secret Of NIMH to be released during the summer holidays! (the secret? Dom Deluise!)
Meg wishes to be taken from one forced confinement situation to a... completely different forced confinement situation. Who knows, the kidnappers would probably force her to dress up like a Martian or something.
next week: promises of sneezes and windmills. And now let's check in with another icon of UK girlhood!
You thought the astronaut costume would merely protect her skull from flying rounders balls - but it also protects against stinging nettles. Maybe just keep the suit on all the time, Jenny, it seems dangerous out there!
And now let's check in with another plucky British schoolgirl battling through life's challenges!
It's vital Wendy win the tennis tournament because inside the trophy is hidden a map to an Egyptian tomb! You can't just say "Hey, let me check that trophy out for a minute" or "hey Country Tennis Singles Championship Committee, did you know there's a tomb map inside your trophy," you have to win that thing fair and squre on the tennis court, which maybe you can't do because the evil Miss Wilson has drugged your OJ!!
Remember kids, don't do drugs, even inadvertently. And now, another word from our sponsor.
Do you pity the fools? Are you throwing pity parties every chance you get? Then maybe you should think about joining the League of Pity. Together we can care for all the boys and girls who aren't currently meeting their required levels of happiness!
Luckily for Wendy, the pernicious effects of drugs are eliminated by parental love! It's like Narcan, but fewer needles.
If there's one thing we know about tennis finals, it's that strong black coffee is always close at hand.
Oh, we could have just swiped the thing in the first place? Why were we messing around with this tennis tournament nonsense?
It's time for Wendy and Wendy's Dad to take the law into their own hands and chase down those trophy stealers. Will their stratagem work? Let's find out after this quick interruption.
It's the amazing story of how Pauline saved the King and the King's Treasure from some pirates by her heroic actions of... watching her father set things on fire. Maybe somebody should tell the king to stop sailing around randomly with all his treasure in a boat? I say let the pirates have the treasure, let that stuff get into the economy and start getting used for goods and services that benefit the general public, instead of the personal gratification of King Treasure-Boat and his treasure boat fetishes. I'm just saying.
Don't try anything stupid, Quentin! You'll probably get probation and a stern talking-to from a judge for these trophy-stealing shenanigans! But all of Quentin's cunning throw-it-into-the-sea plans come to naught thanks to Wendy's tennis racket, helping to save the day for the second time.
At last the professor has obtained... the faded reciept from Burnamthorpe Trophy And Award Ltd for One Tennis Championship Trophy With Gold Finish And Engraving. Now finally the County Tennis Singles Championship Association can finish that quarterly expense report! Our story is nearly over, but first let's check in with Patty Pickle, who's always getting into mischief and hijinks.
Can't deal with Patty Pickle's confused misbehavior? Just clap on the handcuffs and take her away, boys. Who says parenting is hard?
Wendy and The Professor race back to the tennis courts in time to see the police hand the trophy to the Mayor, who can then hand it to Wendy, who... gave it to the police in the first place. And thus concludes our thrilling adventure into a world of fake robots, kidnappings and Quaver Protectors, of Pity Leagues, Patty Pickles and Egyptian map tennis trophies. How the womenfolk of the British Isles emerged from this period with their sanity intact is anybody's guess.
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