Whenever crime rears its ugly head in the mountains, forests, and prairies of Canada, only the red-jacketed stalwarts of the RCMP have the manpower, the horsemanship, and the iconography needed to track down them lawbreakin' varmints. But are those the only locations criminality festers? Are there other locations into which mounties may need to extend their law enforcement grasp?


Well, the answer to that question - a resounding "yes" - is found in 1941's True Comics #14, as Canadian Mounties apparently take an undoubtedly hard-earned fishing vacation!


Let's see. eight months per man, let's say Canada had 800 murders last year, we're talking eleven million, five hundred twenty thousand hours of RCMP tracking to capture a year's worth of Canadian killers. Perhaps this is not the most efficient way to apprehend felons and smugglers, Ottawa asks?


Have a national police force wandering around Alberta, spending eight months to bring in one drunken trapper? Why not put these guys to work for a change? And so, here comes the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, riding in on their horses. Other, perhaps more modern modes of transportation are simply beneath the dignity of the RCMP!


Vague, indefinite orders are delivered to officers who haven't receieved any training, briefing or instruction in their new duties, and I'm starting to understand why it takes them so long to catch bad guys.


Finally, after a long search in a pounding sea, our intrepid RCMP officers look at each other and ask, hey, doesn't Canada have, like, a Coast Guard that's supposed to handle this stuff?


Overtaking a ship at sea, putting a vessel under tow, dealing with tides, fogs, rocks, shoals, navigation, all the nautical skills trained sailors spend a lifetime acquiring - apparently all mastered in an afternoon by our brave Mounties.


But these smugglers are exceptionally wily and crafty, not only concealing engines on what clearly is some sort of obvious sailing vessel, but failing entirely to immediately surrender at the mere sight of a Mountie. Those villains!


Two things about that RCMP boat, first off it changes sizes a lot, it's probably magic. Secondly it has a radio, which they could have been using all this time instead of just sort of motoring around the Atlantic looking for ships.


Well, we found him, we found the Happiest Snitch In Canada! Look at that guy, he's so happy!

(nd yes, we know St. Pierre And Miquelon is actually French territory, so he's actually the happiest snitch in St. Pierre)


"Congratulations gentlemen, you've proven you can use boats and radios. Whatever goes on between you and your horses, I don't want to know. Now get outta here!"

Well, let's continue with our exciting true comics adventures!


You and me, we might spend our summers wandering aimlessly around getting lost. But when Richard Tewkesbury does the same thing, it's suddenly hailed as a tremendous, weirdly racially-angled accomplishment by someone who today would be called a "short king"!


The experts at the Pan American Highway Commission Office are skeptical about crossing the Darien Gap. Also, they are skeptical about making large bets. Strictly penny-ante stuff at the Pan-American Highway Commission!


This is as far as any sane person goes - at least as sane as they get here on the Wacky Jungle Jitney Bus.


Look buddy, you could have spent your summer vacation relaxing on the beach getting a tan. But no, you had to go jungle exploring. So enjoy your chanting as it slowly drives you insane.


Pretty sure he's wandered way off his course and been inducted into a Mardi Gras krewe.


And here in the primitive uncharted jungles of Central America, the 'Lyft' was born.


Hey math teacher, when you quit paying your employees and they leave, it's not "deserting," quit trying to make it all dramatic!


This is why the signs say 'stay on the trail', nobody wants you hacking your way through the state park because you didn't bring your phone, and you can't see the sun, and you don't know which side of the trees the moss grows on, and you can't hear the blaring car radios from the parking lot.


Look, it'll lead to the coast whether you're inside that crocodile or not. How serious are you about getting to the coast? Oh, canoe theft serious, that's how serious.


Sounds like everybody who ever arrived at an all-inclusive resort after a white-knuckle February flight from LaGuardia or O'Hare. Now sit down on this beach chair, order a margarita, and relax for a minute.


One entire five cent bet later, and now the Pan American Highway Commission can finally start building that highway all the way from the tippy top of Alaska all the way down to Tierra Del Fuego. How's that highway working out for you guys? Ever make it across that Darien Gap? No? Well, my advice is to just start hauling ass down Highway 1 and when you get to where the road stops at Yaviza, just FLOOR IT!

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