There's a lot of talk about heroes, and who our heroes are, and how do we as a culture decide who we hold up as heroes to inspire the youths. Well, there's only one solution to this societal quandary, and guess what? It's comics.


Herein are stories of truly heroic men and women chosen by this publication for their daring actions in hazardous tasks, the first of which was getting the dictionary out to make sure we spelled "herein" correctly! Now grab that shovel and get to doing some heroing! Not "heroin", heroING.


Hero #1 is Don Schneider, here sporting a t-shirt made out of the pattern of the carpet in the Overlook Hotel. He also took a lifesaving course, and then saved a life with it. Which seems like it's being used exactly as intended.


According to the artwork here, Phil doesn't have any feet, so it seems attempting to swim across the lake might have been a bit too ambitious.


Just remember your Red Cross training - turn the victim around so you can grab his hair. It won't help, but it'll make him mad, and that'll be kind of funny.


"RELAX, Phil! I'm just saving you from imminent death by ripping your hair out by its roots! What's your problem anyway?"


Call an ambulance before Phil sinks any deeper into the sand, you weirdly overdressed onlookers! I guess back in the 1950s you couldn't dial 911, you had to run five miles to the nearest telephone, crank the handle three or four times, jiggle the hook to get the attention of the operator, and then tell her to send Clem the deputy and the county emergency squad down to the ol' swimmin' hole, Phil done got drowneded again.


The remedy for all your ills in the 50s- get into your PJs and right into bed! You'll be right as rain in a day or so.

But enough of this life-saving heroism, let's get into some tough he-man blowin' stuff up heroism!


You can tell this guy is a real officer because he's correctly identified the lack of proper equipment as a key element of their current predicament, and he's done so while blasting Reds with his .45, because this is the 1950s, the golden age of the tough guy.


"Hey! Let's all look at the general going up there to the front to single-handedly hold off the enemy! Anyone want to get up there and help him out? Huh? Nobody?"


The problem with being a hero in these kinds of situations is that generally your heroism is recognized posthumously, when you aren't around to enjoy it. On the other hand, you get a story about your heroism drawn by Frank Frazetta. Worth it, I think!


Here comes the real message of the 1950s, written across the page in giant, easy-to-read letters.


Wait, I thought this was going to be about a kid falling through the ice! You're throwing in some irresponsible BB-gun usage? Slow down, comic!


For once, a Daisy air rifle is SAVING lives, instead of shooting eyes out.


Glad you enjoyed watching this life-and-death struggle, lady. Thanks for helping. Now children, remember, always obey your parents!


Here's an exciting story about an off-duty patrolman who apparently went back in time to the War Of 1812 when the Redcoats burned the White House!


You know, when I sneak around and peek into windows in the middle of the night, it's a problem. But when this guy does it, he's a hero?


Let's escape the flames and smoke... by climbing over the glass we had to break because the windows and doors were all locked. What pyromaniac sadist wrote this town's fire codes?


One thing at a time, lady! Can't we save them from burning first?


Haul them out of the window Paul! Run to the neighbors and telephone, Paul! Go back inside and get the puppies, Paul! Anything else you need, people? Want Paul to run in and save the TV? Turn the stove off? Pick up some beer and cigs at the corner store? Apparently Paul is the only capable adult in town!


"If you hadn't awakened us we would have suffocated to death and then burned to death, which is hard to do both of, but we would have managed it. So thank you Paul!"


But enough of this life-saving heroism, it's time again for violent Frazetta assault heroism... with a shovel!


Sir, you want me to... go to the top of the wall, and signal the enemies? Any particular signal you want me to send them, or will "hi there" do?


When *I* start smacking people with a shovel, I get arrested, but when PFC Brown does it to a squad of North Koreans, he gets the Medal Of Honor! Is that fair? What kind of message are we to take from this entire line of comics, that sometimes it's heroic to save lives, but at other times it's heroic to take them? I'm confused. Perhaps there's only one lesson we can glean from these stories, and that lesson is...


Always obey your parents! Except when they tell you to stop reading comic books, of course. At that point you can safely ignore them.

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