Regularly swept by devastating pandemics, 1980s America was in the grip of "ninja fever," no doubt spread by ninjas hiding in the rafters and crawlspaces, on cable TV and in the video rental shops. Every red blooded American kid wanted to don the ninja outfit, climb walls with his ninja spikes, shoot darts with ninja blowguns, fiercely battle with ninja swords, and sometimes even paint their faces and battle crime in the streets, as is the ninja fashion.


We are thirteen issues deep into Tales Of The Ninja Warriors, which has exhausted the dramatic opportunities inherent in ninjas and in kabuki-themed vigilantes, and have now moved on to the only other Japanese iconography available, the geisha. Look out Kabuki Kid, she's gonna start playing the shamisen at you!


No, we weren't kidding, this character really is doing business as Kabuki Kid, and we can only assume he uses his amazing knowledge of traditional Japanese theater to battle crime and have amazing adventures. He also feels cemeteries are a great place to tie one's shoes.


I'll say it's important! He finally mastered that part about the bunny ears going in the hole and back out again!!


Don't push it, gals - eventually your boyfriend will open up about his upbringing, probably in the form of a boring narrated sequence without any ninjas in it at all.


Pre-WWII Japan? A kid obsessed with flight? Throw in an earthquake and you've got Miyazaki's "The Wind Rises" here!


A failed kamikaze? A postwar marriage? Throw in a giant monster and you've got Yamazaki's "Godzilla Minus One" here!


Oh, so this is the origin story of how Pocky, diecast super robots, Botan rice candy and vinyl Ultraman monster toys first came to America. God bless you brave pioneers!


"And then my dad killed himself. I wonder if this has anything to do with how later I started painting my face and beating people up on the street. Why, no, I haven't ever had therapy, why do you ask?"


Finally the time came for his grandfather's friends to instruct him in the skills and tools of his heritage! In America this means they show you how to drive the tractor, get the high score on the pinball machine down at the bus depot, and spotlight deer while dodging the game warden.

But if you're going to practice the martial arts, well, you're going to need the right tools, and luckily every issue of Tales Of The Ninja Warriors has helpful advertisements with everything you might need.


Readers, I lived through this era, we all saved our allowances for the ninja socks, clanged dull ninja swords around in the back yard, threw ninja stars into trees, and went to the emergency room after particularly intense sessions with the butterfly knife. The only sure cure for this ninja mania was the acquisition of a driver's license.


He was going to call himself "Kamikaze," but it turns out the general public frowns upon Zeros laden with explosives flying into aircraft carriers.


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: masked vigilantism may result in criminal charges and hospitalization. Consult local ordinances and your insurance provider before taking the law into your own hands.


Look, this guy just really enjoys riding in police cars! It's his thing!


Just one more tragic example of ninja-on-cop violence. When will this vicious cycle end?


Trouble stalks the streets and that means it's time for an intense training montage. How can YOU get the equipment and training for your own intense ninja workout? Simply turn the page!


Thai pads? Magnetic acupuncture? Ankle knife holsters? Inosanto Balisong tapes? It's all here to assist you in your rise to the top of the martial arts world! I bet you can smell the sweaty gyms and cheap plastic trophies already.


It feels good to be back in uniform, doesn't it? Now find Peter Criss and Ace Frehley, it's almost time to rock and roll all night!

Yeah, that's my Kiss reference. You knew it was coming.


These guys are either going to force her to listen to their thrash-metal demo tape, or watch their skate video. Or (shudder) BOTH.


Hey Mama-san, I just traveled in time from the 1950s to call you "Mama-san" and to ask exactly what is happening with my head and our legs and that parasol because nothing really fits together right, maybe it's because of the time travel?


At the time of this comic's publication they'd been making urban vigilante films for about fifteen years. If these dudes can't look at this situation and immediately grasp that this is a set-up designed to justify their upcoming deaths, well, you can't say they haven't been warned.


Fun fact: the sound effect made when someone gets skewered is actually "skewer." Try it yourself and see!


One of the key elements of good comics storytelling is being able to place your characters in recognizable locations, so that readers don't assume the action is taking place in a featureless, empty void, which tends to confuse and annoy. Of course, the canny creator can try to cover up their narrative shortcomings with a variety of martial arts gear, like killer fans or umbrella swords. Wouldn't it be great if there were some sort of mail-order business selling such martial arts gear to the general public?


Be a REAL NINJA with your purchase of a junior ninja combat uniform, some foam practice throwing stars, some rubber nunchaku, and a gag gift of some chopsticks and a rubber fly - because I hate to break it to you 80s kids, but the production and sale of kitschy merchandise is as real as "ninja" ever gets.


Some dude in wild face makeup and one-quarter samurai gear runs up to me on the street and asks me if *I'm* crazy? Look in the mirror, buddy!


Oh no, Kabuki Kid, some OTHER Asian-themed urban murder vigilante is going to roam the streets wiping out thugs, punks, and scum? But that was YOUR idea! Join us for the next exciting episode when Kabuki Kid learns all about copyrights, trademarks, intellectual property infringement, and new advances in makeup removal.

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