In the market for a new vehicle? Want a car that gets great gas mileage, has plenty of leg room, exceeds safety standards, and reigns supreme over an island of monsters? Well, look no further!


The Hyundai Kona is your only choice! Available with gasoline engine versions, electric options, and a special shark-fighting package, this sleek compact crossover is perfect for the city, the suburbs, or the subterranean monster-infested hell of a lost island. But don't take our word for it, let this promotional dramatization help inform your decision.


So let's say you're the monarch of an underground kingdom of monsters, monsters which have been enlarged by an amazing disease. And this disease is also enlarging the killer sharks that are pouring through a giant hole in the roof as the entire Pacific Ocean pours into your rapidly submerging land full of your cavemen subjects, who somehow are the only animals not being enlarged by this disease. So your giant monsters are fighting the giant sharks and just generally making a bad situation worse. Question: why not just get in your Kona and drive away? Because there aren't any roads, and you didn't pay for the all-wheel drive upgrade.


One... two... three... four! Yes, the Kona is a four-door vehicle, one door for each of the problems the monarch Kona faces that all must be solved at once except for the killer sharks that must be fought now, why waste our time with this simultaneous solving thing, maybe you just wanted to show Captain Caveman here straining to count to four?


We all remember the fairy tale stories like "The Ant And The Eagle" and "The Dragon And The Wasp", where the Dragon explained the comfort and style of the Hyundai Kona to a surprised and pleased Wasp, who drove away happy.


Engaging the enemy face to face? No! We have provided three increasingly nonsensical examples of why that will not work! Kona knows it! Dr. Dodd knows it! Mary and Mason and Lilly - I assume they work at the dealership - they know it!


Mighty Kona, the monarch, makes another one of his rash and increasingly harmful decisons. Sorry, cave buddy.


(infomercial announcer voice) Opening jars, coiling garden hoses, scrambling eggs, defeating an army of giant sharks - there's got to be another, better, all-encompassing way!


It's like I always say, when confronted with a difficult problem, just sit down comfortably - maybe in the roomy passenger seat of your Hyundai Kona - and take a nap. The answer will come to you in a dream!


(Budweiser ad voice) OGUAP!!! Oguap?! Oguap!! OGUAP!!


I like what Sam Glanzman is doing here, showing the pieces of Kona's reasoning coming together as a jigsaw puzzle, but it just makes me wonder if Kona even knows what a jigsaw puzzle is.


You want to some stretches, work those adductors, quads, and hamstrings before you imagine yourself piercing the cave of mutations. And remember to cool down afterwards!


It's a fact; adequate plumbing and drainage is the hallmark of every great civilization, from the glories of ancient Rome to this dank, monster-infested hellhole.


Just think, Kona, do this one thing and it will solve all your problems forever! That's how problems work, you let them pile up until they can all be solved at the same time by one drastic solution. Right?


The scales of death must balance! That's only one of the heavy metal lyrics that will be blasting from the Kona's standard factory-installed Bluetooth-enabled infotainment system! Yes, that's what we call it now, we call it an "infotainment system."


Hyundai would like to ask all customers to please place the Kona in "park" and turn the engine off when hallucinating wildly about a problem-solving battle between giant sharks and giant monsters and unknown cave mutants.


And after five or six pages of thinking about breaking that mutant wall, Kona is off to break that mutant wall! But as the famous Scots poet Robert Burns once said, "The best laid plans of mice and men often are eaten alive by giant sharks."


Nothing like some philosophical musing about the fundamental disconnection between man and beast, punctuated by a grunting "SHARK HELP BREAK WALL"


I don't want to argue with the captions here, but come on, triceratops had a brain the size of a walnut, calculating probabilities was not a thing they did a lot of.


It's dinosaurs versus giant sharks in the kind of awesome spectacle that can only be depicted by a five year old and a bathtub full of toys! Or comic books.


Right here is where the narrator just gives up. "Just some lobsters, and turtles, and, uh, snakes and stuff. Undefinable things. Trust me."


Who could have predicted that the solution to four separate issues wasn't "let's get all the monsters and giant sharks to fight?" Everybody, that's who!


I'd say the clear winner in any struggle between deformed sharks and enraged dinosaurs is the comic book reading public! But you do you, Kona.


Backs to the wall, it's back to the wall for Kona, digging furiously towards something MORE terrifying than ANY mere battle between monsters and monster sharks could possibly be! That's bold talk, let's see if this comic can back it up.


Who? How? Where? When? By whom? How, and and when? And where? By whom? I don't know, comic. This is your story, you tell us!


What's the most hideous and bestial of forms? It's Man, says so right there in big letters.


We get it, the most deceptive and debased, the cruelest and most treacherous, it's man. Man rocks! Suck it, kangaroos and badgers and zebras! Man is #1!


One great part about these old Dell comics is that they pretty much kept the ads to a minimum, which meant an entire comic book that was nothing but story. This might seem like good value until you realize that the artist had a lot of pages to fill, and that some of that story is just going to be two full pages of Kona stumbling.


Kona: we'll open the wall and let the waters flood in

also Kona: oh yeah, forgot those waters happen to be at least 75% giant angry shark


It's like my grandpappy used to say. When the water starts turning the world over and the giant shark starts tossing the woolly mammoth around, it's time to get in your Hyundai Kona and burn some of that all-season tire rubber from those optional 19" aluminum wheels!


I can't tell if Kona is battling the monsters with a free-style poetry slam, or if he's sustained a serious head injury.


You thought the mutations would have reacted differently? I hope now you see the foolhardiness of that presuppostion!


The cave mutants were determined to murder everything on Monster Isle, but the onrushing flood of Pacific Ocean water had other plans for them.


These captions are describing either the volume of water, or trying to quote an Ike & Tina song about how big their love is. Meanwhile, Mary Dodd is really regretting letting her husband choose their family vacation spot.


The END... still AHEAD! No HALT... to the MONSTROSITIES! Neither man nor beast... but BOTH! A new threat... of DEATH!! Still EIGHTEEN ISSUES left... before KONA would be CANCELLED!! To make way for... decades LATER... the exciting Hyundai KONA, MONARCH OF CROSSOVERS, the automotive RULER of a new DRIVING EXPERIENCE!! Find out what lies ahead for KONA and for YOU at your friendly local Hyundai dealership!

(Mister Kitty has not received any promotional consideration whatsoever from the good people at Hyundai Motor Group for this installment of Stupid Comics. But if they want to throw us the keys to a Kona, we wouldn't say no!)

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