Well gang, spring is almost here and that means it's time to get ready for the most important ritual of our civilization - Spring Break. Invented by Hollywood in the 1960 film "Where The Boys Are," this yearly pilgrimage of wanna-be Connie Francises and Georges Hamilton to various warm Southern beaches is a rite of passage for America's overprivileged, undersupervised youths. Over the course of a month or so, future predators and alcoholics alike refine their skills on the sandy Gulf Coast beaches while being marketed to by a wide variety of consumer products and services, some of which are obvious - beer, suntan lotion, pizza, STD clinics - and some of which are less so. Like, say, comics.


What a coincidence! Spring Break, known for busty ladies in various stages of undress, and AC Comics, also known for busty ladies in various stages of undress, both hail from Florida! Let's see what these Florida Men - and they're all men, let me assure you - can tell us about Spring Break in the form of Spring Break Comics, starring Daytona's own "Crabman."


But wait a minute, party animals, you can't hit the beach without doing your required reading. Before you dive right into this amazing comic book, let's take a minute and enjoy this combination of a press release from the Daytona Beach Chamber Of Commerce and the AC Comics editorial staff, which will inform us about all the fun cruises, celebrity appearances, free Panama Jack t-shirt giveaways, and legal consequences that await you.


You might read this and think "surely these rules are a formality, nobody would be dumb or drunk enough to expose themselves in public or drive on the beach in the dark or climb on a motel balcony." Well, think again, drunky, you might be looking at a forty dollar fine! Or, you know, a felony charge, or maybe one of the hundreds of thousands of serious injuries incurred every year by some Spring Breaker who thought they could DEFINITELY jump into the swimming pool from their motel balcony, DEFINITELY, 100%, that's the last thing they remember before waking up in the hospital in a full body cast. Thank goodness comic books are here to warn people about this on one page in teeny tiny type nobody will read!

Hold on, I just realized this comic has spent one full page without showing us a woman in a swimsuit?!


Finally, a bikini! Whew. Let's get this party started by introducing our cast! We'll start with Crabman, who is like Batman, only let's face it, crabs are way scarier, I never had a bat come after me snapping his claws looking to do me harm, unlike some crabs I could mention. Also here is Crabman's girlfriend Penny Pontoons, "pontoons" being a reference to her large breasts, and their nemesis Gil Sharkey, who is half man, half shark, all creep. And, of course, the guys and gals of Spring Break '87, a crew of irresponsible pleasure seekers who are now running America! How is America doing, by the way? Somebody might want to check up on America.


Look, when I said this guy was basically Batman, I wasn't kidding. It's Batman Crabman, out in his full Crab suit, sweating on the beach in the hot sun, where minutes into Spring Break, somebody's already in terrible danger and in need of artifical "recessitation." Not really selling me on the Spring Break, comic.


See, it's funny because her breasts are really large and her bikini top flew off and whacked him in the face. This sequence kind of tells us something about how familiar this story's creators were with how bikini tops actually work (hint: not very)


That's our hero, smashing a corpse in the face!


See, it's funny because whatever unapproved lifesaving method Crabman was doing made it look like they were having sex. Nothing says "light-hearted vacation fun" like a masked man humping an unconscious, probably dead woman! Right?


At Daytona Beach, all oceanside emergencies are met by weird crab-themed sex pests and dimly-remembered stars of Hollywood two-reeler comedies! I feel safer already.


Depending on the exact surgical procedures involved, the female breast can withstand and transfer up to two hundred pounds of penetrative force, able to leave impressions upon even densely-packed material.


I know Crabman is likely to be embarrassed by falling down on the beach, but let's be honest, it's Spring Break, there are lots of guys falling down on this beach.


What is the amazing origin of this incredible masked man who has become the hero of Daytona Beach? Well, not to spoil things, but he was bitten by a radioactive crab. And the shark guy was bitten by a radioactive shark. There you have it. But first let's get some more details on the fun that awaits us here at Spring Break!


Exciting times await you every day on the pool deck from 2:30-5pm! All the beer you can drink for five bucks, giveaways of pizza and frisbees, wet t-shirt contests, and free instructions on how exactly the word "Carriage" is spelled!


And while you're in Daytona for Spring Break don't miss out on the ultimate pinnacle of every Spring Break fantasy - the comic book show! Every drunken frat boy dreams of being surrounded by old comics, records, and sports cards - not to mention gaming materials and science fiction items! Not gonna lie, I would be at this show, I would be walking out with armloads of comic books, squinting in the bright sunlight, wondering why the beaches were full of 19 year olds in Greek-letter t-shirts.


What's that? You think comic books are for NERDS who are UNAPPEALING to WOMEN? Well, this full page ad depicting girls pretending to be interested in comic books should change your mind! And now, back to the hilarious sandy adventures of Crabman.


Turned into a pitiful hybrid of fish and man? Too bad, you still have to cover your lifeguard shift.


This comic already wasted a page or so turning Gil into a shark boy, and for some reason it needs to spend more time giving him a mid-season powerup into... a slightly sharkier shark boy.


The UK's long-running ribald parody comic Viz has a feature titled "Finbarr Saunders And His Double Entendres" in which every single strip features the titular Finbarr chortling with glee while listening to family friend Mr. Gimlet deliver long, pointless stories filled with words and phrases that Finbarr construes as having a sexual connotation - the punchline being that when Finbarr overhears actual smutty talk, he instead interprets it as innocent in nature. Finbarr Saunders has been a fixture of Viz for decades, and I sure wish he was around now, instead of whatever this is.


So, it's Spring Break, and that means there's a fight breaking out pretty much every ten minutes somewhere. Sometimes it's between two guys from rival schools, sometimes it's because those Deltas are really too much, you know, and sometimes it's because this is a super hero comic book and you have to have fights in super hero comic books.


"What's that? You want me to draw you into this Spring Break comic? And you say you want your appearance to be really classy? You got it, pal - leering at a woman's bosom while she shrieks about crabs! Just like you asked!"


Now I know after the last few Stupid Comics you might be thinking, surely they've run out of cheesy Asian stereotypes in comics. Well, believe me, I wish we had. But Spring Break Comics is determined to keep this trend alive, even as it asks us to contemplate exactly how a 'truckers strike' has cut off Daytona Beach's supply of fish, because last time I checked fish come from the ocean, which as a beach they are right next to. But let's not let logic get in the way of making fun of Asians and their strange ways!


Well, Crabman saved his girlfriend and Gil is running away from sinister Orientals and five thousand dopes are driving their cars on the beach because that's the thing about Daytona Beach, you can drive your car on it. In fact they used to race cars on the beach until 1959 when some genius realized if they built a racing track they could charge admission. Speaking of admission, right now it's $30 for a day pass to drive your own car on the beach - bring along an extra couple of hundred for towing fees when you get stuck in the sand. Just show them this comic and tell them Crabman sent ya!


The depressing fact is that if you're a middle-aged man wandering around the beaches taking pictures of teenagers in bathing suits, you might get beat up or arrested. But if you ASK those teenagers to send YOU their beach photos, why, who knows what kind of lurid debauchery will wind up in your mailbox? There's only one way to find out! Offer may be void in some states; check your local age of consent and obscenity laws first.


Comics are different today. Sure, Wonder Woman and Red Sonja had big boobs. But the comic books you can get today by looking in your phone book under "comic books" - well, the ladies in our comics may have different super powers and unique skin-tight outfits, but they all have one thing in common, and that's the kind of really gigantic racks you simply won't find in other comics. Or real life. Why not build even more barriers between yourself and the rest of humanity and send $2 for a sample copy today?

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