Pucker up your lips, lover boys and girls, it's time for some romance with those sexy swingers at DC Comics, who bring us a romance comic splash page so generic even Roy Lichtenstein would've rejected it.




All love stories begin at the beginning, with the object of Doreen's one-sided obsession goes on a date with another girl, hopefully a fat and ugly one, in his jaunty jalopy, like the teens do, or did, or maybe they never did I don't know I'm not a million years old.


As a young girl she could only console herself by being thankful that despite apparently living in a spooky haunted house, she wasn't the protagonist of a gothic romance story. Running away from those houses like the heroines always do is way too much effort!


"He finally stopped treating me like a baby, and hardly ever tried to change my diapers or put me down for a nap when I got fussy"

It's unclear exactly what age gap, if any, there is between these two, and that's probably for the best.

Inevitably, Tone Deaf Tony gets engaged to some other girl, which makes me wonder if he's ever even been on one actual date with Doreen or if the entire relationship has been in her head this whole time.


My, what a distinct hair-do this new fiancee has! Be sure to make a note of it.


In the weeks and months to come Doreen finds solace in her many hobbies, hobbies such as turning down men who aren't Nelson, and stalking Nelson. Not shown: planting bugs in Nelson's bedroom, following Nelson around from a safe distance, leaving cow's hearts stolen from a butcher shop on Nelson's doorstep.



FINALLY all that skulking and surveillance pays off and she catches him in those crucial moments right after he gets dumped, rushing in before he can imprint on some other girl.


One thing that's great about this big statement earrings is that even back then you could hide one of those little earphones for your AM radio in one of them, and listen to easy listening sounds while your date blathers on and on about the slag who dumped him.


Eventually he stops talking about Elaine but not to the point he can remember Doreen's name when he asks her to marry him.


NAHHHHH don't worry girl, getting someone on the rebound always works out perfectly!


And so, she spends literal years interior-monologuing about a girl he was briefly engaged to. She's so insecure about it she doesn't even eat the other half of the grapefruit!


It's not a surprise she's been ruminating on the same intrusive thought day after day, she hasn't been outside the house in so long, a walk in the park sounds like a momentous occasion.


And then, a familiar-looking hair-do approaches with a son that we'll generously presume looks nothing like Nelson! And now all is right with the world, because Doreen can rest easy knowing that the ten pounds Elaine put on from childbirth has made her completely unrecognizable (to Nelson, who has the object permanence of a newborn). Now all Doreen has to worry about is not gaining any baby weight herself one day! Good luck Doreen, I hear Figurines work great at keeping you slim! Well, that and the diet pills.

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