The mastery of the martial arts demands physical and mental strength, endless hours of practice, mentorship by talented instructors, and a committment to the philosophy and lifestyle that affects every aspect of the practitioner's life. The mastery of the martial arts *comic book*, on the other hand, requires a completely different set of skills, and it is rare indeed that accomplishment in one area leads to success in the other. In fact I don't think it ever happens, and to prove my point, here's Shaolin Tiger to kung-fu it into us.


I don't care how loudly you scream or how powerful your kung-fu is, you can't trademark "Shaolin," and you DEFINITELY can't trademark "Tiger."


Welcome to Shaolin Tiger, or maybe Shaolin The Tiger, or perhaps Shaolin 1 The Tiger, we aren't sure. What we are sure of is that this comic has an Ass Editor, meaning finally someone is concentrating on the key elements of graphic storytelling! This comic would also like to thank their friends and family, all the readers, retailers, distributors, and publishers that encompass the entire direct market, and the creator of the entire universe and everything in it. I expect the readers will also be thanking God, or at least invoking His name, at certain points in this narrative.


So this is pretty much the start of every Shaw Brothers or Golden Harvest picture made between 1972 and 1985, as yet another Shaolin Temple is razed to the ground by evildoers intent upon whatever it is that makes bad guys wander into normally peaceful temples or kung-fu schools and just start causing trouble. This was a real problem there for a while, according to movies.


You can always tell a good Shaolin monk; they shave their heads, they are adept with various kung-fu weapons and techniques, and they never put their shirts on all the way.


Look, somebody promised him the pearls! Also they gave him this great bathrobe. Anybody would betray his temple for that bathrobe.


Using a kung-fu death blow while invoking the name of Houdini? That's wrong on so many levels!


Hung Sihn escaped to the sunny beaches and vibrant nightlife of Okinawa, where he repaid his instruction in the ways of fish harvesting by teaching the locals how to prepare and sell the tasty and potent beverage Dragon Punch. The slogan is "one punch and you're out!" Try some today.


But Hung Sihn was getting old; his eyesight was going, his teeth were crooked, and some sort of animal was always huffing bad animal breath into his face.


Hung was also a little racist. But whatever, we can't be handing these pearls to people who aren't a specific ethnicity! Just hand it to this rando who just got off the boat, I'm sure he's fine, he's CHINESE, after all.


And so, over the years, the Shaolin Pearl passed from father to son. There were five of these a while ago, now there's just one. I guess pearl guarding is hard, especially when you're blindfolded.


Finally, three hundred years later, the guardian of the tiger pearl, which is what this pearl is, it's the tiger pearl now, well, it's time to use it, perhaps in a necklace or maybe set in a nice ring? It would look lovely.


Hung Fe Chung, who was born in Okinawa and whose family has been in Okinawa for three hundred years, that's what, ten generations? Twelve generations? Enough time that you could reasonably call yourself Okinawan? No? Hung Fe Chung hears about something happening in a place he's never been and has only the most tenuous connection to. This something was the Boxer Rebellion, which failed for many reasons, most notably font issues, which admittedly are a pain!


Did you know that Cuba's "Barrio chino de La Habana" is one of the oldest and largest Chinatowns in Latin America? You do now!


He never stops his training, or teaching, or trying to conquer his terrible breath.

and now let's pause for a public service announcement, a very 1990s public service announcement.


Remember, if you spend your time in the "kwoon" or "wu guan" (kung fu training hall) mastering Crane Style, you'll never be having sex or sharing needles, and therefore you won't have to worry about HIV or AIDS! And now back to our story.


And so we come to our modern guardian and his Miami "kwoon," being visited by both red ninjas and men in big hats.


Not just ninjas, but stinky ninjas. Stinky ninjas who can't make proper appointments.


I'm not a kung-fu master or an insurance expert but I'm gonna say if you aren't insured against people being injured on the premises of your kung-fu center, you need to get better insurance. Because it's kung-fu, buddy. People ARE going to get hurt.


You have the dot-matrix printer our master covets! The proof is there, in the word balloon!


Distracted by the familiar voice of the Four Non Blondes and their hit single? As were we all, in that wonderful year of 1993.


"Your sifu is not here, definitely not right here talking to you in a big hat and a mask and tiger striped tights, definitely a different guy entirely, my observant kung-fu seekers."


Good martial arts pose references are easily found in magazines and books, but it's not so easy to find references for poses that indicate "shocked confusion."


"You should clean this place up for m... for Sifu Perez. He'd really appreciate that. Also he'd like some of those little donuts from the convenience store, is what my martial arts wisdom is telling me he'd like."


Bored with traditional comic book panel layouts? Just tilt that panel on its side and jam it into another panel, obscuring both text and image. Who needs coherence or readability?


I'm not really sure what ginseng is supposed to do to the human body, but I'm just going to assume it causes unwanted erections. THAT'S what's going on, And I say hey, hey, I said hey, what's goin' on? (c)Linda Perry, Interscope/Atlantic


I always wondered what to do if I ever had to get rid of some ninja corpses, and I see here the solution is to take them to the zoo and feed them to the tigers.


"Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me, there I was, I'd just tossed two ninja corpses to the tigers, when suddenly they began caressing my body with their furry paws. Naturally, I was aroused. Then they..."


Yeah, I'm pretty sure if he knew he was being watched he wouldn't be having that tiger makeout session.


Which are the real ninjas, and which are the party balloon ninjas? Not going to be easy figuring that out!


Not gonna lie, this page kind of rocks, it has a lot of expressive energy, not to mention the gaping jaws of a tiger unconstrained by photo references or panel borders.


I would tell that masked ninja to not lose his head but... too late.


Wow, the hot armor knife lady came OUT OF NO WHERE, cuts the head ninja's head off, and then just says "call me?" She's totally into you, Shaolin Tiger!


The next day Sifu Perez calls a kung fu college meeting; like every other tenured instructor, he's turning things over to the grad students.


How can mere students be expected to know all the trivial details of the 1978 Shaw Brothers classic "The 36th Chamber of Shaolin?" Sifu, you ask too much!


Looks to be an exciting second issue, with an entirely new creative staff, thanks to Black Tiger "Prss" and their dedication to the "promotinon" of new talent!


When in Miami, drop by the Miami Kung Fu Center and visit Sifu Mario... PEREZ? The very same Sifu Perez who is in reality the Shaolin Tiger, guardian of the Tiger Pearl Of Shaolin? Did he know somebody was making a comic book about how he kills ninjas and feeds them to tigers? Get script approval next time, that's MY ancient Chinese secret!

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