Here in the 21st century video games have replaced movies, TV, sports, music and sex as the primary form of entertainment engaged in by humans. But there was a time long ago, in the dark and misty 1990s, when marketing departments and corner-office executives weren't quite sure how to sell these bleep-bloop electronic thingamajigs to the public. One such confused corporation even went so far as to try and harness the power of what was at that time the most potent instructional force available - comic books! Did it work? No!


You don't have to have an Electro Brain to attempt to use comics to depict the power of clunky looking robots stumbling over "Super FX" logos as they attempt to enter the whirlwind. But it sure helps!


All the computing power of 90s era 16-bit graphics is on full display here as various clumps of colored pixels slam up against each other in outer space and on the strangely flat surface of planets. Enjoy it kids, this is as good as it gets. But that's all the gameplay we're showing you, it's time to enter the Vortex!


The Deoberon System! Gravis the PC gamepad planet! Zama-Regia, the Italian fusion cuisine planet! Trantor, the name of which is totally swiped from the capital of the First Galactic Empire as seen in Issac Asimov's "Foundation" series! Thermidor, the planet where they eat lobster meat cooked in wine sauce then stuffed into a lobster shell and browned! Magmemo, the magnetic memo planet! Voltair, the planet that splits the difference between Voltron and Voltaire! And we'll just say "the rest," because Thermis and Cryston have lousy agents.

Anyway, they're mostly peaceful, except for this one hollering guy.


He's hollering because the entire solar system is threatened by the possibility that space aliens might exist somewhere else in the universe, and that they might decide to visit Deoberon, and that these completely hypothetical beings just might be hostile! But mainly he just wants to show off his teeth.


The 1990s were a strange time for comic book art, seen here as Emperor Beardy shows off his grotesque sinewy hands while Lord Barkahn hisses, his bright teeth shining out against the darkness of what I only assume is his suddenly badly burned face.


How could your peaceloving society create such a warmonger? well, maybe your society isn't as peace-loving as you thought it was? Maybe?


Just how angry should you get when your "let's defend against nonexistent space aliens" plan is ignored? Really angry, that's how angry!


In order to protect the solar system from invaders we must... invade the solar system!


Soon all Trantor was devastated, except of course for the secret Second Foundation enclave within the Imperial Library, which will... sorry, I didn't mean to drag any science fiction into your blasty space robot thing.


The Victory Squat of Lord Barkahn, used only for the most glorious of triumphs.


But Barkahn squats prematurely! Deoberon lives, and amidst the 500 year long civil war, his scientists create the ultimate weapon, the AI Core, or as we call it, "Tetris."


Apparently this Tetris can freeze time, which is kind of the opposite of how it works for most of us, which is that we start playing it, and then we look up, and it's four hours later.


Really, how sad should anyone be at this funeral? Dude lived more than five hundred years!


Meanwhile in the prison dimension, Lord Barkahn has also tragically died. As is the custom of his people, throughout the mourning period his gravestone is ritually... is this what they call "teabagging?" I think it is. Rest well, friend!


And five hundred years AFTER the end of the five hundred year war, that's a solid thousand years, the rebel planets have gathered their forces, have made sure every tooth in their gaping jaws is gleaming white, and have activated their Vortex Super NES cart, ready to blast out of their dimension jail.

I had no idea Nintendo-based comics were going to involve so many teeth.


There it is, there's some swirly lines, it's looking kind of like a, dare we say it, a vortex? We have a vortex, ladies and gentlemen!


This is the cover art for a prog rock album based on the concept "what if Richard Wagner wrote an opera about the gods lighting a BBQ grill," that is what this illustration says to me.


Meanwhile on planet Gravis, military leaders worked day and night trying to decide if they could legally use the term "morphing" without risking legal action from the Power Rangers people. Just think, a super robot that transforms into a jet plane and a car! That would make for a pretty exciting comic book! Too bad this thing would rather show us squints, grimaces and crosshatched muscles.


All systems are green! All backstory is told! All the vague colorful blocks of pixels you'll be encountering in the video game now have some sort of context!


Two warriors against four planets and their horde of thousands, controlled by one player! You'd think with five hundred years to prepare they would at least give us a two-player option, but nope.


While you wait for your brother to lose all his transforming robot plane cars so you can finally play Vortex yourself, why not look for Electro Brain's hot new Super FX title, which I assume will be titled "Bike Pit?"

And hey, you might be curious to see what the actual Vortex video game looked like on the SNES, because if you're like me, not only did you never play it, you never even heard of it before you found this comic book in the discount bins. So here's some Vortex.


Judging by this screencap courtesy thekingofgrabs.com, let's just say the game was pleasantly chunky. Wikipedia says "Vortex was criticized for its difficulty and its lag, which was common for Super FX games of its type. Electronic Gaming Monthly's five reviewers remarked that the pace is slow, but complimented the unique concept and high challenge." Electro Brain Corp would meet the challenge of the 90s by, uh, going out of business in 1998, but not before importing, among other things, video games based on the anime titles Puss In Boots Around The World and Fist Of The North Star. Did they ever again publish a comic book? And if so, how were its teeth? Only the 1990s know!

Become a Patron! Hey gang, thanks for reading Mister Kitty's Stupid Comics! If you enjoyed it and want to show your appreciation, you can now become a patron by hitting that Patreon button above! Or, you can hit that PayPal button on our home page, or turn off your ad blocker so's our advertisers know you're out there! And remember to visit our YouTube channel, our Facebook group and our Instagram? Why don't you.

PREVIOUS STUPID COMICS

NEXT STUPID COMICS

BACK TO STUPID COMICS INDEX



BACK TO MAIN INDEX