We all know paintball is a demanding sport. You have to go out to a playing field somewhere, you have to wear a mask so you don't get your eye shot out, you have to make sure your paintball gun is in good working order and you have plenty of paint balls. And then you spend fifteen sweaty minutes per session getting your butt shot off by the other team, whose gear is way more expensive than yours. It's a tough sell to people who aren't already invested in the idea of running around, shooting and being shot at. And like other tough sells, somebody somewhere decided they needed to bring out the big selling guns to sell their big guns - comics!


And that's what this is, this is a promotional comic book designed to sell paintball equipment. I know this cover looks like it's selling gym equipment or maybe performance enhancing drugs, but the paintball community frowns upon such things! Drugs are expensive, and you need that money for new paintball gear!


Brought to you by Benjamin Sheridan Paintguns, this comic is published by "Splattoons Comics," no relation to the popular similarly-named paintball themed video game. If you're unclear about the equipment and tactics of paintball, why not enjoy a VHS tape all about the sport? Let Fred Schultz guide you through the sport, after you write or email the video company and ask them how much it costs, because this advertisement has forgotten to include that data. Maybe one too many paintballs to the head there.


Relax, Mr. Boucher, take a seat. We DO have a serious problem on our hands... we are in a paintball-themed comic book.


The thrilling world of paintball will begin... just as soon as we get away from this computer company and their core systems and virtual reality games?


This is how virtual reality works? There's an actual physical gate between VR and our world that you can just jam things into? Yeah, I'm gonna have to see that for myself too.


Meanwhile at Cartoonishly Evil Bad Guy Headquarters, the brilliant yet insane Erwin Mothball finalizes his plans to completely destroy a computer game company. Buddy, they are a COMPUTER GAME COMPANY. Chances are they're gonna go out of business soon no matter what you do.


When a narrative begins in the middle of a story and fills in background events through dialog or context, this is called "in media res" and it's a classic element of many enduring works of literature. Here, it just makes us think of the more interesting comic book the creators could have given us, instead of looking at some green guy talk to some weirdo's curling tongue.


Suddenly and without any warning we're reminded that we are indeed reading a comic book drawn in the 1990s. This means super muscular guys with gigantic swirling capes and every power-packed inch of their anatomy lovingly detailed, getting into automobiles that are not lovingly detailed, who cares about cars, just sort of fake your way through it, it'll be fine.


Who is Purple Caped Bodybuilder? What does he have to do with paintball anything? Never mind, it's time for people to gather around a table and talk about Sandana, America's number one choice for paintball fashion. Sandana "provides players with what they need to look good on & off the field. Whether you're an occasional player or a competitive national level stud, our store brings you the collections, the knowledge, and the passion you need to get the job done." Sandana is a real company and this promotional hype is right off their website! Are you a competitive enough stud to wear Sandana?


Oh nothing just reading a 1990s comic book where a suspicious Asian guy is drawn with a bad haircut, a cigarette holder and a fu-manchu mustache. Because comic book ethnic stereotypes never go out of style.


Now equip yourselves with Sheridan brand paintball guns and the finest SANDANA WEAR and get ready to... play a computer game, in which what you are wearing or holding doesn't matter in the slightest! Way to sell your gear there, comic!


Virtual Reality has been "the next big thing" for what, thirty years now, somehow they can't quite get the general public to really buy into the concept. Maybe they should give that "blasted into a computer monitor" aspect another try? It beats a pair of sweaty goggles!


Finally, a comic book with the balls to admit nobody gives a crap whether the main characters live or die. I am more interested in these two guys, who look like they wandered in from an underground comic somewhere, probably one filled with sex and drugs and hilarous stoner hijinks involving sex and drugs. Maybe cars too, that sunglasses guy has kind of a Car-Toons vibe going on.


Real paintball - at least the last time I played paintball, which was around the time this comic book was published - is played in chewed-up woodlots where every tree trunk has been scraped raw by paintballs and the shoulder pads of players taking cover from paintballs, where all the underbrush has been stomped into oblivion, and ugly packing crates and shipping skids are deposited randomly. In short, nothing like the beautiful natural wonderland seen in Virtual Reality paintball, which again makes me question exactly how this comic book is promoting paintball. Because so far, it's not.

I do want to point out here that I am consistently finding myself misspelling "paintballs" as "painballs," but as anyone who's played this game will tell you, "painballs" is also pretty accurate.


Keep that SALDANA gear on tight! It could save your life, you competitive stud!


Just think of the poor guy lettering this comic book, halfway through lettering a completely useless caption that basically means "they heard the yelling." I hope he was getting paid by the word.


Twelve pages into this exciting paintball equalizing comic book and we finally get someone using a paintball gun, which the comic book immediately dismisses by telling us it probably won't do any good. Here's a handy tip from the advertising world - try selling your products by putting them in situations where they are actually useful!


"Water beast's arm shoots water" may not be the miraculous transformation this comic wishes it was.


It does have "devestating" consequences, however! Hopefully his SALDANA brand gear will protect him from this unwanted moisture.


What's too close for his liking isn't the water monster's splashing, but the rays of the sun behind them getting uncomfortably close to that of the flag of Imperial Japan, bringing back troubling memories for all of Asia and indeed the world in general.


Axl Rose sometimes makes some regrettable decisions, but removing the lyrics "We got interferance orchestrated by someone with more than your limited intelligence!" from the song "Welcome To The Jungle" was a smart choice on his part!


The green leaves, the staring eyes and wild hair, the hazy smoke everywhere - this isn't a comic book, this is the design on a stoner t-shirt worn by that burnout you know who won't stop talking about weed.


No, you aren't crazy, you just dress up like Purple Superman and shoot little balls of paint at people for fun. Not crazy at all.


Remember when playing paintball to bring plenty of water and stay hydrated, it gets hot and sweaty running around in all that gear! And I guess it gets hot and sweaty inside the VR world also? Explain to me how exactly the VR world is better again?


Are we playing paintball, or are we playing the Williams arcade classic "Joust"? Make up your mind, we're getting exasperated here!


Remember only your SANDANA paintball gear can hold up to the wear and tear of competitive professional paintball, and also whatever the heck is going on here.


What is all this poc poc poc, splat splat stuff, what's happe... Oh, that's right, this comic book is supposedly about paintball people doing paintball stuff. You'd think a comic book onstensibly meant to promote paintball guns and gear would maybe feature some players using the gear in a typical paintball game situation, maybe demonstrate the product's superior quality and features. Instead we get dragons and water monsters in a mad scientist's VR world, which only promotes hatred of science, computers, and reality in general.


You'll be amazed as your Sheridan paintball guns blast away at the evil dragons infesting your local paintball field! Remember that's Sheridan, ask for it by name at your local shop, tell them you need it for the dragons!


"That mask! It's even easier to draw than my mask! What a break for the artist, not having to draw eyes or noses or mouths!"


Good question! Why DIDN'T The Equalizer, perhaps the most ripped and imposing "stud" to ever don the protective gear of the pro paintballer, why didn't he demonstrate some of his paintball equalizing skill in the comic that bears his name?


Some people call it "a cape." The Equalizer knows it's also a convenient and comfy blanket/ground cover for whenever he goes camping!


Just wait a while, big guy, wait for the amazing diabolical plan of this crazed madman to be fully unleashed in the next thrilling issue of... did this one get another issue? Surely they didn't think they were going to start an entire universe of paintball-themed comics?!


Well, they certainly did. Watch for these paintballing powerhouses to TROUMPH over evil in their PREMDERE issues, which according to this advertising copy will be fired in your direction at painful velocities during the 1996 National Professional Paintball League World Cup in Orlando!

In other news, font choices matter.


The Equalizer! The choice of purple-garbed virtual reality paintball mystery men everywhere! Cape and screeching bird not included. Use of protective face and head equipment is essential. Not for use indoors. Must be 18. Void where prohibited by law. May not work as advertised in special virtual reality scenarios engineered by mad scientists and unidentified green aliens.

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