This week on "comics that would probably get us put on a list just for owning it" we have Elf Warrior, the fearless blonde twink whose magic sword lusts for blood in yet another "this D&D campaign would make a great story" small press comic. Incidentally, and I mean this with no malice whatsoever, but if you're reading this and still thinking your D&D campaign would make a great story, stop right there. No it wouldn't.

I'd also like you to take a gander at this cover. It clearly says Issue 1, does it not? So what do you suppose the first page of this very first issue ever contains?


HUHWHAAAAA????? "The story thus far"? There is no story thus far, but sure, let's set up all the exposition in confusingly-laid out panels accompanied by big old blocks of text.


lol no I absolutely will not. It's bad enough when Marvel does this in a long-running superhero comic with hundreds of thousands of readers.

Well, anyway, now that we caught up with the "story thus far" there won't be any need for more exposition and we can get right to the sword-slashin' action, right?


BUT FIRST let's meet our cast of pointy-eared warriors, who all seem to be modelled on the same 14 year old boy wearing slightly different wigs. As with all comics in the "this D&D campaign would make a great story" genre, you must be sure to take notes of all the dumbass fantasy names and how they relate to one another, for future reference.


Alright, now we're finally getting to the action, which, as it goes along, seems less like a D&D game than one of those old text-based computer games where you make your way through a dark castle encountering orcs and trolls.



These stupid elves look so much alike Smudge must've gotten confused when Stormcrest told him to stay close, since he has to go find him again when they find the sleeping orcs, I mean Skulkers.


If you overlook the elves storming a castle in their goddamn bare feet, there is some pretty cool art, like this half-page of an orc, I mean Skulker, getting his head sliced in half.


You discover a series of twisted underground passages

>enter

There are no Skulkers but there are distant shrieks

>esc

Do you wish to exit the game y/n

>y


I know I had 2 pages of exposition at the beginning of this but I forgot one! OOPSY. He's the dark, tormented, brooding half-human all the ladies would just swoon over, if there were any ladies around at all. I wonder if he wears one shoe on these raids, in honour of his half human side?


Quiet, Me! We have to go on ahead with the other me's, so follow me, Me. Oh no, it looks like I'm shocked up ahead, having found a skeleton! Are you okay, Me?


Boy, look at all these skeletons, I wonder if any of them are me?? What do you think Me?


>turn around, leave passages, exit castle


Again, there is occasionally some pretty cool art here, when there aren't any elves involved. On the other hand ink wash is a pretty forgiving medium.


Oh no, lost another Me! Stay back, Me's, it's time for my Magic Thing to do something or other.


Magic Thing's thing is it's a sword that explodes I guess


I take back what I said before, sometimes there's some pretty cool art WITH the elves.

>go home, have a drink

There is no liquor in the house

>go to bar, get drunk, pass out

Anyway, the story just ends like this.

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