Modern man! Endlessly you busy yourselves in your skyscrapers and automobiles, struggling to forget that lurking underneath the thin veneer of civilization, the mystical nightmares and dark superstitions of your primitive past seek to burst forth into today! Or maybe you just need to fill seven pages in your 50s horror comic. Whichever.


A terrible auto accident, a curbside amputation, horrified onlookers traumatized for life - clearly this isn't just a lousy driver and three thousand pounds of Dodge, it is instead nothing but VOO-DOO-DOLL HORROR!!


Meanwhile in the upper right corner of the title page, a giant skull gets a COVID test. Remember to get both nostrils and to twirl it around in there firmly!


I'm Tom Decker, you're Badly Shaken. Let me take you home, Badly, I understand you spent the middle panel grinning at a car accident because the artist forgot what "shock" looks like.


How To Pick Up Girls At An Accident Scene, by Tom Decker. Chapter One: Look For The Giant Skull!


Tom is all about learning the secrets of wealth creation that THEY don't want you to know! I'm pretty sure the D.A. could subpoena financial records of the deceased if he really felt like it, but how mysterious would that be?


Way to keep a lid on that investigation there, Mr. District Attorney.


Have a date with a lady you just met and know nothing about? Why not bring her an antique pewter mug? It's skull approved!


Hi! I'm the floating skull you see sometimes in the corner here in this comic book story. Just want to make sure everybody knows ancient Persia practiced Zoroastrianism, a monotheistic religion that did not involve pins or dolls or voodoo revenge. Thanks!


So maybe a Persian guy spent time in Haiti and became a Houngan, or voodoo priest. That would explain it. Now try to explain what's wrong with Tom's face!


If you want more information on Persia or voodoo or ancient ceremonies, visit your local skull-haunted library. Just look for the big floating skulls!


You don't often see vintage "Crushed By Girder GI Joe" figures for sale in the antique shops these days!


Voodoo? Impossible. Floating background witch heads? Also impossible. Melting skulls? Somewhat possible, if you leave them sitting around on top of the fireplace, silly!


Please Tom, keep away from that dreadful place. Instead hang out here and enjoy my skull bushes. They're just coming into bloom!


Distracted by the spectacle of Tom next to what appears to be a levitating taxi, another victim falls to the voodoo curse of the Inferior Brakes Of The Giant 50s Buick!


Forget H-bombs or Korea, the story of the year is definitely "Persian Voodoo Curse Behind Otherwise Easily Explained Accidental Deaths."


Consumed with mystical powers from beyond the grave, our voodoo swami threatens Tom with all the awesome witchcraft of... a small-caliber automatic.


Thus began the bizarre tale of vengeance, colonialism, oil exploration, and the close cooperation between industry and government during a time of international crisis as the forces of Imperial Russia, the Ottoman and British Empires, and Imperial Germany clash in what even then was a vital region filled with geopolitical importance. And also voodoo, according to this dopey comic.


Yes, Sahib, whatever a "Sahib" is, that doesn't mean anything in Persia, you can drill wherever you want, except the cemeteries. Don't go near the cemeteries, whatever you do, it's really important you leave those cemeteries alone (we're going to build housing developments there later, we'll just move the headstones).


And of course where do these guys go? Right to the cemeteries to get some grave-robbing done! The vast wealth of petroleum isn't enough for you? Jeez fellas.


Look, I get you want to work in some subtle commentary about the rapacious nature of capitalism with your images of oil wells and defiled graves, but maybe you could leave Persia's religions out of it? Hasn't Zoroastrianism suffered enough?


Suddenly and without any reason whatsoever, a lamp overturns. What a lucky and completely arbitrary break for Tom!


Completely bypassing Orlando Florida - either on 417 or 429, depending on if he turned right or left - a gasping Tom rushes straight to the police... no. To his girlfriend! Wait 'til she hears there's a toy line based on her!


Hey, it's me again, the skull! Sometimes I just like to watch people kiss!


Can't say you weren't repeatedly warned there, Tom. Next time, avoid the meddlin' and stick to the lovin'!


But Tom died, and then Ann somehow died too though we won't go into how that happened. And then the police showed up and they held up the voodoo dolls in such a way that the voodoo dolls and the actual corpses looked identical, which adds just that extra chef's kiss of confusion to this already confusing tale of Persia and voodoo and oil-prospecting Army grave robbers, decorated with randomly inserted skulls and scary heads. The big takeaway here is, stay out of antique shops, kids. Not even once!

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