What are True Sweetheart secrets? Why, they're secrets you should never tell anyone, especially not your true sweetheart, because if you do they'll realize that you're completely nutso, but it's OK because they'll marry you anyway! Not to give anything away.


Is the titular pawn of torment the stony-faced man or the sobbing redhead? Well, the truth is I'm not exactly sure because "pawn of torment" is such a weird turn of phrase I don't know what it's supposed to mean.


Big Red is introduced to a woman dying of... sadness I guess...?? Like Padme in Revenge of the Sith. Is her husband missing in action, or is he Darth Vader? Either of those things would explain her illness equally well.


Let this be a lesson to you: no matter how young you are, it's a good idea to have a will drawn up, because otherwise you may find yourself making a snap decision on your death bed to let a near-stranger take custody of your newborn child.


And what a newborn! He's huge, he's like the size of a 7 month old. He's also stiff as a board and it can't be comfortable for either of them for him to be held like that. He's not gurgling, that's baby talk for "please lady, put down the hankie and hold me properly, will ya?"


Oh yeah, let this be a lesson too: don't agree to take care of a near-stranger's baby just because you feel bad for her at that moment, because you're gonna start resenting the responsibility pretty fast, even if he is the only vacuum-filler currently in your life.


Luckily she soon meets a man with a mysterious shrapnel injury, and nurses him back to health, which is great for her, great for him, and great for the hospital, which saves money since she works a lot cheaper than an actual nurse would.


Oh, hey, another lesson to you: When you start getting serious enough with someone to start thinking of marriage, maybe you should learn something about one another, ask a few questions about their personal life and perhaps visit their home once or twice first.


PROTIP: If you do find yourself raising a near-stranger's child as if it were your own, you should try giving it a name. Granted, this may make it tougher to put it in an orphanage at the first chance of getting some D but it's a lot easier than constantly saying "the child" or "the infant".

And no, I don't care how often he's referred to as "the child" I'm not making any more Star Wars references, so don't even ask.


This is the slightly-cockeyed face of a pure stone cold bitch. And that hat? The hat of a pure stone cold bitch.


PROTIP: When sneaking your unnamed child into a neighbor's house, maybe check to make sure the neighbor knows and is OK with it first.

It's kinda weird the idea that someone at the hospital told him about the kid didn't occur to her, but I think there's a lot of ideas that don't occur to this woman.


Gee, can't understand why anyone would be turned off by finding out you dumped your kid at an orphanage. It's not like you pulled a Casey Anthony, right??? (ALLEGEDLY)


This is a surprise to me, too. I didn't realize sociopaths could form enough of an attachment to anyone to notice when they're not right in front of them.

Actually what I'm really wondering is if that was the kid's crib, or is that where she's sleeping?


I'll say he's grown. He was huge as a newborn, now he's the size of a 4 year old.


Back in the olden days, adoption was very loosey-goosey; you could adopt a near-stranger's baby on the strength of a death bed agreement, give the kid up to an orphanage when you want to step out on the town, and ask the father of the child if you can have him back, assuming the father hasn't all ready taken him home, which in this case he hasn't yet for some reason.


GOOD GOD HE'S GROWN EVEN MORE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES


Again, if you'd bothered giving the kid an actual name you'd probably stand a better chance. At least this time she's wearing her best "I Swear I'm Not a Sociopath" bonnet.


OK, so, he didn't claim the child until now because he had amnesia this whole time from that shrapnel wound and that's why he acted like he had no family whatsoever???? That's it, right?


ohhh no he's just kind of a sociopath too.


Sure buddy, meanwhile you left your own child in other people's care the whole time you've been back because I guess it's cheaper than hiring a babysitter.


What do you suppose that foundling home matron is doing this whole time? Is she sitting at her desk reading Spicy Mystery Tales, waiting for these two to figure out what they're gonna do with the kid? Or has she just been sitting there silently stifling her laughter.


Is that condition that you stop referring to him as "it", and maybe try giving him a name?


Diane is so excited to find out she won't have to think of a name for the baby that her cheeks turn bright red! Actually his cheek's looking pretty red too, they should probably have a doctor check that out.


Awwww. This'll make such a sweet story for Junior to tell his psychiatrist in about 20 years. Assuming he can fit into a regular-sized office by then of course. Anyway I guess the baby was the pawn of torment?

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