Crime. It's a problem for businesses, for citizens, for local, state, and federal agencies, and for criminals trying to score that last big takedown before they get out of the game for good even though they know they'll never be able to live without the thrill of armed robberies and fast getaways. There are many ways to tackle crime, ranging from harsher penalties, more prevention, and investigating the root causes. But for our purposes, the absolute best way to fight crime is to put on a dumb outfit and punch people in the face, which is usually also a crime. Like I said, it's a problem! But the world of comic books has been running with this idea for eighty, eighty-five years now, the bad ideas of 1940 continuing to echo down through decades of outlandish costumes, ridiculous schemes, and physical assault. Let's dive into one example!


Ever work out so much that you can barely see over your bulging pecs as you leap away from the chimney that you've just blown to pieces, hopefully teaching that trespassing Santa Claus a lesson? This guy has!


"A costumed figure has just completed his latest project... learning to count... BACKWARDS."


Disgusted with the judicial system and its "laws" and "due processes" and "evidence," this costumed figure set's out on hi's own to commit crime's that in some way also fight crimes, don't try to figure it out. This is the Dark Assassin and this is his CRIME LOG in which he logs all the crimes he avenges, or crimes he himself perpetrates, whichever.


get your bomb wired up
grab a stick of Juicy Fruit
the taste is gonna move you


The Dark Assassin murders four or five people in order to learn that the vice president of a company was - get this! - taking orders from the company president. Sure to be shocking news to anyone who has no idea how anything works. And when they didn't stop shipping the chemical's to make drug's in the pineapple's, the Dark Assassin blew up their entire office building and everybody in it, whether they were evil drug lord's or just the custodial staff. Take that, crime!

By the way, here's a spoiler; the adventure described in this caption is more exciting than everything else that happens in this comic.


"Further reports later. Crime Log ended. Note to self: in future, maybe escape the scene of my mass terror attack first, then dictate notes about my mass terror attack afterwards."


The Dark Assassin has sworn vengeance upon all who break every law. Except solicitation, and maybe prostitution, if he can find that pen. Those crimes get a pass!


Crime Log One Thirty Two: once again a comic book promises exciting action and adventure and completely derails itself by wasting pages detailing this weirdo's entire life story, including how the only recollection of his mother is that she was a bikini model. Save it for your therapist, buddy!


Something about the societal expectation of men to repress all emotions except for anger resurfacing in antisocial behavior involving costumes and explosives, or something.


It's strange how all these aspirational comic book hero origin stories always involve being a super athlete who gets straight As, and never getting made fun of for reading nothing but comic books.


He graduated with honors from the Presedent himself, but even that accomplishment was tarnished by the sudden appearance of easily preventable death.


I'm sure the readers of this comic book are relieved to find out that he's moving past tragedy and beginning to open up and get on with his life, and we'd probably feel even more sympathetic if this comic book had at any point bothered to tell us this character's name.


If you're ever in this kind of situation, remember to note down every detail, so that a repeated image of your face can describe it years later into a tape recorder.


"I was too shocked to remember his face, but I'm pretty sure it looked exactly like my face if I had longer hair, and was wearing a knitted cap."


If you're curious about the investigation of a crime, you have several options.
1. Check local news reports and public records
2. Interview the law enforcement and court officials involved, or
3. Get a law degree and an MBA


THRILL to exciting MICROFICHE ACTION as THE DARK ASSASSIN sets out to research CRIME but winds up spending the entire day reading old "Dick Tracy" comic strips!


"And then one morning I read about how someone can murder two children, be caught in the act of burying their bodies, confess to the crime, and still be "aquited" and walk free. That's when I knew I was trapped in a childish right-wing fantasy meant to erode our faith in public institutions!"


That judge definitely needs someone to confront him with the shocking truth that he could buy his smokes in cartons instead of a pack at a time, saving both time and money.


Write a letter? Make a phone call? Take out an ad in the local paper? Appear on one of those public interest announcement segments on the local news? Nope, just watch the guy buy cigarettes for two weeks and then mumble something threatening to him in the rain. Once again crime is defeated - by crime itself!


"La la la la la la la la la means...
a special bulletin"


What's this? Innocent until proven guilty? Not in DARK ASSASSIN'S America!


Now to leap into action by... spending years learning self defense! The one he remembers most is falling. I guess he fell a lot. That'll really help him fight crime, he'll just fall down on those criminals.


First comes the nunchucks, and then the stars, the stars you see when you whack yourself in the skull trying to whip those nunchucks around.


Experts agree the best way to learn how to shoot is to listen to the absolute nonsense you'll hear self-important windbags yammer on about at your local gun club, definitely this is the best way to learn how to accidentally shoot yourself or someone you care about, taking advice from those kooks.


"You want to know about explosives? Well here's everything I learned in the Army in Vietnam. First you gotta fill out that req form with your QM for whatever explosives you need, and don't forget to check the contacts on your detonators - sand or moisture can really wreck those things. Clear everything with the OD, make sure the MPs keep traffic off the road while you're working, and you're going to want to make sure you have enough orange flags and warning signs to go around. Three short blasts on your air horn or whistle will give lots of warning to make sure nobody gets hurt, and... what? You're going to do WHAT with this stuff? Are you nuts?"


Finally the Dark Assassin is off on his first mission to fight crime AND empower the local youths via the gig economy!


Months immersed in the world of martial arts? Firearms skills sharpened to expert levels? Your body sculpted into a finely honed fighting machine? Who cares, it was all a waste of time, you're just gonna blow this hippie up with a bomb, George Metesky style.

(Wikipedia) George Peter Metesky (November 2, 1903 – May 23, 1994), better known as the Mad Bomber, was an American electrician and mechanic who terrorized New York City for 16 years in the 1940s and 1950s with explosives that he planted in theaters, terminals, libraries and offices.

You see, when you do this is real life, they call you "The Mad Bomber." But when you do it in comic books, apparently you're some sort of righteous dark avenger battling evil. You know, sometimes... sometimes I start to think comic books can be kind of stupid.


Gosh, I guess somebody got to the end of this comic book and realized they hadn't given this character a name. Names are an important part of running some kind of "exploding people for hire" business, which is what this guy is apparently doing now? Not just exploding criminals for free any more?


Okay Grips, let's see how well you do against me! I'm just going to use all my kung-fu sharpshooting skills, and then plant a bomb in your house and blow you to smithereens, I guarantee you won't grip your way out of that one! Mainly, because there was never a next issue of Dark Assassin, perhaps due to some defective wiring, a bundle of dynamite, and one late night too many spent with the soldering iron.

And now, a word from our author!


Hey, a great way to cap off your story about a murdering lunatic is to insult and threaten your readers, and then thank your proofeader for catching all the typos, which is, holy hell, imagine this comic BEFORE it was proofread. I can't even. Remember kids, battling crime and injustice is a fine ideal, just remember that committing crimes and injustices in the process makes the entire endeavour a big waste of energy, time, and perfectly good C-4, not to mention rack space at the local comic shop. Try therapy instead.

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