The menace of the automobile has been with us for more than a century now, and while we constantly tell each other that drivers are getting worse all the time, the fact is they've always been bad. Why, they were so terrible in the '50s that bus companies published entire comic books devoted to reminding everyone how terrible these amateur auto jockeys were.


That's the purpose behind "Driving Like A Pro," this educational comic published by Greyhound Bus Lines to not only try to stem the tide of terrible drivers wreaking Signal 30-type havoc on America's roadways, but also to try and educate these potential disasters as to how they could avoid bad driving habits and drive like professionals. First step is to get a snappy hat and straighten that tie!


Every Sunday morning the giant steel behemoths of Detroit set out to clog the roads, raise the blood pressure of America's unprofessional drivers, and fill the cash registers of America's professional auto body shops.


Sure, you can get something to eat at the bus station. You can also get weed, smack, uppers, and probably a date for the next hour or so. And if you're lucky, they have those seats with the built-in coin-operated televisions!


I have also wondered how bus drivers manage to get through the day without flipping out and going insane at the terrible traffic and bad drivers. Then I remember what I said earlier about drugs and bus stations.


The secret is keeping that professional attitude front and center, reminding yourself that the other motorists are as rain, snow, or fog; mindless elemental forces of nature that cannot be controlled or reasoned with, only avoided.


Save your health and your car and become a smooth operator. Smoooooooooooooth operator.


No matter how expert a driver you are, there's one thing you can't control. Actually millions of things you can't control. And those things are other drivers, who at any time can change lanes without warning, make abrupt u-turns, swerve and weave uncontrollably, make sudden stops, and then let their Uber passenger out of the car. At least that's how it is in MY neighborhood.


What's the difference between the foolhardy driver running a stop sign and a foolhardy pedestrian running out into the street from between two parked cars? About six weeks in traction.


Those poor primitive creatures, confused and bewildered by modern cars and highway traffic! But enough about (insert name of the state next to yours which is full of ignorant hillbillies).


Train conductors, ocean liner captains, ski-lift operators - they all lust after this sharp uniform and snappy cap!


The smart driver takes along a flashlight, a rope, a lug wrench, chains, plastic sheeting, bleach, rubber gloves, and a shovel. The smart driver leaves his worries, his compassion, and his sense of humanity waving sadly in the rear view mirror as he begins his cross-country serial killing spree.

Wow, that one went dark fast, didn't it.


Tom gets an impromptu roadside lesson in safe driving. Meanwhile, this Greyhound's passengers are sitting there, wondering if THEY will ever get to see any of this safe driving in action.


Keep your eyes on the road! Don't be distracted by conversation, scenery, people, things, ideas, or abstract mathematical concepts!


So when somebody behind me wants to pass, I'm supposed to blow my horn as a signal I understand his attempt at passing? What if he's blowing HIS horn to let me know he wants to pass in the first place? Are we both just going to be honking away at each other until the guy behind both of us speeds up and passes both of us just in time to be demolished by a lumber truck?


Stop at every railroad crossing. Maybe go shake that watchman awake while you're stopped. Union Pacific isn't paying him to sleep!


Wait a minute - DON'T block the interstate with your parked car? Now I've heard EVERYTHING!


No stops. Rhythmic sounds. Easy curves. To heck with the highway, we're now at a strip club with continuous dancers.


Combat hypnosis! Stay out of vaudeville theaters and magic performances of all kinds! Look out for that spinning disc or the swinging gold watch! Paint open eyes on top of your eyelids so that the hypnotist thinks he's hypnotizing you when you're really immune to his gaze! If we all work together, we can make hypnosis a thing of the past.


The good driver learns to anticipate the moves of other cars, to allow for their unsafe acts, to practically drive those cars as well as his own, all without any thanks or reward, the sins of a million terrible drivers all embodied in him, the selfless safety martyr.


"I'll never get into a spot where I have to depend on other drivers for my safety. In other words, I am never ever going to get in another automobile ever."


You can always tell the safe, skilled driver, he's the one NOT wrecking his car all the time.


Sure, you smashed the car on the first day of your vacation, but why worry? Take the bus and let Uncle Ned handle the car. Uncle Ned will change all his plans so he can go out of his way to pick up your car and deliver it and the rest of your holiday luggage to the lake. Uncle Ned didn't have other ideas for his Wednesday, no sir.


There you are, Bob. You talked up Greyhound safety with the kid, you convinced the family to take the bus, everything worked out perfectly. But now - now you have to listen to that guy snore for the next six hours. Didn't count on that, did you Bob.


Be a pro! Know the limitations of that Greyhound Scenicruiser - how many drunks can it hold? Was the bathroom cleaned this year? Does the bus have to stop every forty five minutes, or does the driver just feel like stopping every forty five minutes? Relax and leave that driving to Greyhound, they'll get around to it as soon as they finish talking to random kids at gas stations.

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