We've spent a lot of time thinking about what happens when humanity finally reaches other planets, what it'll be like to be the first astronaut on Mars or Venus or wherever. But do we spend enough time thinking about what happens when those space aliens come to Earth? We probably do. Here's some proof.


What is it going to be like when the cast of Mad Men first encounter extraterrestrial life? Will there be a crew of screaming space aliens aiming their gaping maws at one solitary unconcerned Earthman? Why doesn't he panic or at least loosen his tie? Why?


Well, it's because our business-suit-wearing-man is actually a business-suit-wearing-man-wearing Martian, flippers poised and ready to invade the Earth.


And NOW begins our tale!! Those first two pages were just filler! Anyway, here's how you can blame your terrible driving on flying saucers. Just tell the officer you didn't snap the wheel and swerve the car off the road for no reason - you were dodging an alien spaceship!


"Lucky I'm the one who saw this!! For only a scientist like myself - no matter what kind of science, food science, cellular biology, geology, computer science, chemistry, whatever - it takes a scientist of some kind to fully grasp the concept of invading space aliens!"


A key element in any invasion is to keep muttering your exact plan over and over, that's why Eisenhower kept murmuring "Land 29 divisions on a fifty mile stretch of Normandy and advance to the line of the Seine" for three solid months in 1944.


Nothing less than infra-red rays can penetrate the Martian disguise! This means he'd better stay the hell away from the heat lamps keeping the fries warm at McDonalds, if he knows what's good for him! Also keep away from the food, it's also not good for him, or us.


This is a great gadget, useful for when you have to find the Martian, and also have to keep up with all the latest news, information, and top 40 hits.


Haven't we all had relationships like this, where we wind up absolutely wrecked, confused, and lying in an alley?


Sure, go investigate every report of assault in New York City. See you in a couple of hundred years.


Maybe this guy isn't the Martian, maybe this guy is just really proud of his mustache and he's afraid that buzzing thing is an electric razor!


What say you NOW, Earthling? Oh, you're narrating your every thought and action? That's what say you now? Sorry I asked.


"A moment later and it was all over. For me, anyway. For the maintenance crew called in to find out why Elevator #3 is making weird squishy sounds when it gets to the basement, it was only the beginning."


Buh-what? Our intrepid scientist was from Venus all along? Acting as a secret agent to protect Earth from the evil Martians? Well, I certainly feel better about our peace and security now. But will the Martians rest in their attempts to conquer Earth? Will the comic book industry continue to use Martians disguised as Earthlings as a hook to hang a six page story on? No and yes!


Well, it looks like Dan Blake is set to blast off and become the first American on Mars. If only our current-day wanna-be Mars colony enthusiasts were themselves blasting off today for Mars, let them screw things up on THAT planet for a change.


How does it feel to embark on the greatest voyage ever attempted by mankind? "It's pretty exciting, I guess. Hope I don't blow up on the pad. So long fellas." Don't oversell it there Danny.


Be careful buddy, you're going to sneak onto the wrong rocket base and trip over the Fantastic Four, who also snuck onto a rocket base to blast off on their fateful journey that gave them their super powers and started the Marvel Age of Comics. We wouldn't want to interrupt anything that might stand in the way of (checks notes) Ultimate Avengers Infinity War Crossover Extreme Limited Edition Foil Cover #0, now would we?

On second thought, go ahead and trip over those guys.


Fun fact: "holding tight to the emergency cot" is NASA slang for making sure your retirement funds are invested wisely.


Space suits supply oxygen to keep you breathing, they protect your body from extremes of cold and heat, they keep your blood from boiling in the vacuum of space, and they also keep your bones from snapping during takeoff? What CAN'T space suits do?


Wow, it turns out Earth's pioneer to Mars is actually a devious fraud who holds us all in contempt. In other words, business as usual.


Now to carry out THE PLAN, which I will first repeat to myself, for the benefit of anyone who might be listening.


Like all the great science fiction epics, this one also climaxes with a speculative, highly scientific fist fight.


And with a solid Earthman left to the Martian's reptilian-glass jaw, victory is assured and the TRUTH is about to be reported to an eagerly awaiting world! And everything is fine and there are definitely no more surprises here.


Surprise, you thought he was an Earthman, but he was actually a spy from Venu--- I mean Jupiter! He's a spy from Jupiter, clear over in the other side of the sky.


So look out Martians disguised as Earthmen, Earth is simply teeming with aliens in disguise ready to throw a wrench into your devious plans. The next time you suspect one of your neighbors or co-workers is an outer space person masquerading as a human, ask yourself - is he one of the good disguised aliens, or at least a disguised alien working against the bad disguised aliens? He just might be! Also, seek therapy.

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