The holiday season is upon us, and everyone knows what that means: TOYS!! Colorful plastic doo dads and gee gaws and hoo haws and what nots wrapped in gaily decorated paper with pretty bows and garlands under the Christmas tree or Hanukkah menorah or whatever people do for fun in December. It's a drab freaking month, there's gotta be something fun or we'd all go nuts.

Anyway, since time immemorial, people have attempted to keep their children sane in the darkest time of the year by giving them fun toys to distract them, and since time immemorial plus one day, toy manufacturers have been hard-selling their wares to the parents, by way of enticing the children with toy ads and catalogs. "What's a catalog" you ask, because you are apparently a baby yourself? Well, it's kind of like Amazon dot com, but on paper and with a lot less Chinese dropshippers. Such as tonight's little number, a Kenner catalog featuring all the most exciting toys in their 1973 lineup!


HEY KIDS! TELL MOM TO BUY CHEERIOS SO SHE CAN THEN BUY YOU TOYS FROM THIS CATALOG AND THEN TELL HER TO SELL THE 2ND CAR TO BUY YOU MORE TOYS SHE DOESN'T NEED IT SHE CAN WALK TO WORK

This enticing cornucopia of fun new toys that crash and eat and and club is just waiting for you to wave in front of your parents every day, morning, noon and night, until they relent and give you... A Visit from Fat Albert? Uh-oh, keep an eye on your drink, Mom!


First, for the little girls, at least the ones with a nurturing bone in their body that can't be satisfied with dressing up Kitty in a bonnet and baby booties: Baby Alive, the result of months of product testing after the failed launch of Baby Dead. Just look what Baby Alive can do! She opens her mouth! She closes her mouth! She... SHE CHEWS. OH MY GOD SHE'S SWALLOWING!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY STOP HER


Someone get this second little girl to the emergency room, she is having a psychotic breakdown watching her friend play with her dolly. An admittedly creepy dolly but still. Get a grip on yourself sis.


oh, yay. We "get" to.


"Doll" "Food" (Non toxic) (Don't even consider suing us, parents)


Next up: a slightly less unnerving doll, except why should she get better vacations than I do?


It's nice to have a doll that can speak Spanish, and it's even nicer that everyone in Mexico speaks perfect English, even when they're being addressed in Spanish.


Haha, Mexicans do be eating tacos and wearing sombreros.


Having disposed of the thieving Pedro and taken his sombrero as a souvenir, our bilingual heroines adjourn to the town square, where they use their terrifying robot companion to scream at a homunculus that appears to be about 2 feet tall, sending her floating into a fountain.


What makes Jenny Jones and Baby John The Mother and Baby of Today? Well for starters Baby John's last name isn't Jones, he has his bio mom's name. She's not around right now; she promised Jenny she'd only be working the oil rigs 6 months, just long enough to earn money for a downpayment on a little condo. They'd always dreamt of buying a house to raise their family but they're dealing with The Interest Rates of Today, not to mention The Unemployment Rate of Today.

Anyway, help Jenny Jones feed Baby John! She could really use the help!


Next, you can help Garden Gal grow "real flowers" in her greenhouse, wink wink.


Why Daddy-- I thought Mommy had you locked up in the basement where you couldn't get to the food! Now that you've escaped I'd tell on you, but you're giving me more cake mixes for my Easy-Bake Oven so I'll keep your secret... for now.

Now to take care of Billy.


NO MOM WE SWEAR WE'RE JUST BRUSHING OUR TEETH


"Haha, it's great, they'll wear through the enamel in no time!"


"What's all the excitement?"
"Fat Albert's in the garage, he's showing us how to sneak rohypnol into..."

Oh, wait, I all ready made that joke. Errr ok have some fat jokes then




Who can forget the great sounds of the Turbo Tower of Power? turbo funk and turbo soul is my kinda music. Love that loud-ass "WHINNNNNNNNNNNN"


Next up, nothing satisfies a little boy's soul like smashing the shit out of things. Let's just hope they get it out of their systems before they get their driver's licenses.


Tired of board games? Let's play See-Action Football! It's as boring as a board game AND it's a slide show!!


"Gary we just heard back from legal, 'Red Baron' is copyrighted and trademarked! Yeah, who knew?? Anyway better get in there with some white-out, we're gonna have to change a lot of boxes."


Fred Johnson, the guy who used to live next door until they discovered all those bodies under his house.


And finally...
OH MY GOD! MY HANDS!! WHAT HAVE THEY DONE??! MY BLOODY HANDS!!!!

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