Anarchy! Fuel for many a lengthy conversation between political philosophers amidst the cafes and salons of Europe, or the barely coherent battle cry of a fifteen year old with his first Circle Jerks cassette and a grudge against the skateboard-hating manager at the local McDonalds. Or, perhaps, just maybe, could it be the vital ingredient that gives what at first glance is just one more half-assed Image Comics knockoff enough verve and energy to break out of the pack and produce a work of comic book brilliance?

Absolutely not.


The clenched jaws, the awkward poses, the barely-there costumes on the ladies, the lack of feet, the foil-stamped legend informing us that this collector's item is extremely limited to only five thousand copies - to the connoisseur of the Gnarly Age Of Comics, all these signifiers might as well be hollering "THE NINETIES!!!" into our ears with all the fury of an MTV extreme sports announcer jacked up on a week's worth of complimentary Mountain Dew.

Stupid Comics fans may recall we visited with these Team Anarchists once before, when we covered their third issue. That was before we'd been blessed with finding this first issue collector's item, safely preserved for history in a dollar bin somewhere. But now it's ours, and that means it's yours too, and we can both see how this amazing saga began.


It's the year 3082, and a sad man with a bad haircut sits in a pile of trash.


But you can't spend all your time in the garbage, you have a job to do and a surrogate family to take care of, a family who needs all the help it can get in the lumpy forearm department.


Geode loves to take refuse and turn it into something beautiful. Maybe start with this comic book, Geode!


"Ashes scatter like the world"? You sound depressed, buddy. Maybe it's because you're sitting in garbage staring at weirdos.


As it turns out the one thing this guy saved from his ruined house was an issue of Team Anarchy, the very comic book that our narrator was himself starring in! So that's convenient.


Here we are at Hope Center Alpha 5, also known as "I Have A Ruler But Not A T-Square City."


I think they were going for some sort of retirement or pension-related quip involving the word 'benefits', but they couldn't quite bring it home, and instead figured they'd just throw another "Welcome to Hell" dialog balloon in there to distract the readers. That's what I think.


Let's move! Move from the mountains and meadows to the downtown urban tower blocks, I guess that's what Hope Center Alpha 5 is all about, all the amenities of the big city yet close to nature! Or maybe the artist is just forgetting where this story takes place. Anarchy!!


Go hurry with SHRAK, for when you need to go hurry quickly.


Did you know if you bend your giant meaty arms back far enough, it kind of looks like your shoulders are your butt, and that your head is coming out of your butt?


Rapture's amazing power is that as a sexy lady, she can give men pleasure, which must be pretty amazing on dates. Imagine going on a date with a lady that involved pleasure! If only such a thing actually existed.

And now let's pause for an amazing offer from Dagger Comics!


Don't miss out on this terrific free comic bargain! Simply take a pair of scissors and cut out the coupon from this comic book you bought as an investment because you're 15 and it's the 90s and you're using your allowance money to buy everything that comes into the comic shop that has foil and a "#1" on the cover, you are totally going to mutilate this mint condition investment grade comic book, right? Right?


At least SOMEBODY's getting some enjoyment out of this comic book.


When you're half cybernetic, you... can do whatever it is your new electronic parts enable you to do. Could be solving complex mathematical equations, or surviving high radiation environments, or climbing walls, whatever.


Hey, let's cybernetically enhance a mutant and train him to make a guy think he's being knifed in the skull. Sure, it's way more trouble than just actually knifing a guy in the skull, but here in the future, style counts!


Oh no, Team Anarchy's careful, stealthy plan of "wander around the place" didn't pan out.


Nice of the floating tank and the hundreds of goons to wait quietly for Team Anarchy to show up, don't you think?


Do you understand... why painting your face black isn't an appropriate action at any time?


You're a mutant. That's enough for Core-Tech, and it's enough for anyone wanting to make comic books in the 1990s, you don't have to know anything about genetics or evolution or how faces are put together. Just put the word "mutant" into your story and you're good to go.


This is all happening because of a rampant speculative market driven by greed. Oh, you're asking why you're in white jumpsuits? No idea.

and now, let's pause for another word from our sponsor.


Ever want to create really fantastic comic art, the kind of dynamic comic art that rockets a powerful comic book publisher to the very pinnacle of success? Can't help you there. Instead, here's a book by a Dagger Comics artist. Act fast! They're dynamically about to go out of business - and then how will you ever learn how to create your hero's very own logo?!

and now back to our story.


Suffering from Photoshop filter eyes and/or painful sideways mouths? You may be entitled to compensation from the Comic Book Mutants Association.


Squint Lockjaw! That's the guy's name.


Artists! If you aren't sure how legs work, just hide those parts behind other characters, whose legs will be hidden behind still more characters. This works great until you run out of characters, at which point their misshapen arms will be forced to hide what they can. Just a little dynamic comic art advice from Dagger Comics!


"Every K-THOOOM is followed by a SHAKOOM," said some scientist, probably.


You didn't learn that in a classroom? Obviously you never attended Three Stooges University!


Well, we were in downtown Hope Center Alpha Five, and now we're somewhere outside Tuscon Arizona, where human bodies are just biceps and thighs and teeth.

And now let's pause for another sponsor's message.


Are you an Artist, a Collector, a Consumer, or a Free Lancer? Well, only one of those things is applicable here, as we ask you to work for us for free. Just write and draw some comics and send them to us! You might win... absolutely nothing!

And now back to some more nothing. You wish!


It's at times like this, when the floating tank is about to shoot a disintegration beam and you're unable to blast it to hell because of its force field, that you really appreciate the hairy arms of a friend.


Can't really tell what's going on here due to the minimal artwork and poor storytelling, but I'm going to assume everone got disintegrated.


Yeah, you try climbing through the bore of a disintegrator cannon barrel! Your face might get kind of messed up too.


Page 23. Lightning erupts from forehead. The context says "jealousy" but the facial expression says "vague amusement."


The battle is over, hundreds of Core-Tech soldiers flee in terror or are sprawled defeated, while thousands of mutant prisoners are released, and this comic book is going to show us none of it. Because drawing is hard.


This emotional scene of ripping up the Core-Tech flag might have carried some emotional weight if the comic had bothered to show us the Core-Tech flag at any point earlier in the narrative. Now it's just vandalism, which is a kind of anarchy, I guess?

but first a word from our sponsor. Been a lot of these. One might think that this comic book is a little light in the script department.


Advertise with Dagger and reach an audience that likely will never actually get this far into any comic book Dagger ever publishes! On the other hand, anyone really entertained by this material is probably an easy mark for whatever it is you're selling. So there's that.


Team Anarchy just started and already it's the beginning of the end? Tell that to the two bald guys whose skulls are merging together over there, and to Miss Leotard whose limbs are just beginning to splay painfully! And while you wait for the next issue, there's only one question on your mind, and that question is, how can you more fully engage with the amazing world of Dagger Comics and all their incredible characters?


By joining the official Dagger Fan Club, that's how. You get a certificate, you get a quarterly newsletter, you get a bumper sticker, you get inside tips from the President (of Dagger Comics, I guess), and you get "Dagger Action Audio Tapes" of what I assume is someone reading this comic book out loud!! And remember, membership is extremely limited to ONLY the first one hundred thousand. Which seems kind of aspirational, let me just say. Please allow six to eight weeks for delivery, at which point Dagger Comics will be out of business, and good luck explaining that bumper sticker.

At this point I know our readers are beside themselves with desire for their very own copy of Team Anarchy #1, and they're wondering exactly how much a collector's item like this costs, here in the 21st century? Well, the proprietors of America's antique malls and their whimsical notions of what things are worth are here to answer that question.


You can have this for your very own, and it'll only cost you $80. Nothing embodies the spirit of anarchy like wringing cash from the the foolish and the uninformed! I'm pretty sure Mikhail Bakunin said something like that when developing his theory of replacing the state with federations of self-governing workplaces, communes, and mutants.

Become a Patron! Hey gang, thanks for reading Mister Kitty's Stupid Comics! If you enjoyed it and want to show your appreciation, you can now become a patron by hitting that Patreon button above! Or, you can hit that PayPal button on our home page, or turn off your ad blocker so's our advertisers know you're out there! And remember to visit our YouTube channel, our Facebook group and our Instagram? Why don't you.

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