WHAT DO WE WANT? SEXY VAMPIRES! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM? NOW!!
Sorry, sexy vampire wanters! All I have for you right now are some vampYres, will that do?
YES WE GUESS SO


Phew, that was close. Good thing I've got this comic handy, with its promises of, at minimum, two (2) sexy vampyres, whose shared coffin seems to be sequestered inside a tiltin' Hilton.


Like many black and white comics of this era, the inside front cover details the lives of the authors and what they were thinking and eating when they came up with the idea; in this case they were thinking "high school girls are hot" and hey, I'm not gonna thought-crime anyone but making this comic kind of puts this over and above mere thoughts! So, yuck!! You don't get to quote adult-woman-enjoyer Elvis Costello after going on at length about how attracted you are to underage girls! Bad black and white comics guys, bad!!


The story opens with an olde-timey hot girl hung for being a witch, which is the most obvious way of opening a witchcraft story, but it's a novel way to open a vampire story at least.


Underage heroine Dawne with an E wakes up after her story-opening nightmare and is comforted by her dad, who apparently hasn't slept in 200 years.


oh, great, NOW she's having another nightmare, this is one's one of those "I'm at school and have to take a test but I'm dressed like Miss Marple" anxiety dreams.


Dawne's extroverted friend Kris invites her to a party, so Dawne will have a chance to shed those dowdy feathers and wear a fun party outfit!


Oh.

Did she stuff some rocks down the bottom of her sweater? You really have to work to get that look when you're a fit 17 year old.


"Two joints later"?? I don't wanna say this comic might've been written by guys who've never smoked marijuana, but I think this comic might've been written by guys who've never smoked marijuana.


Because she's Not Like Other Sexy Vampires, Dawne sits awkwardly watching everyone else have fun, take pills, chase each other around naked, and puke.

Brief reminder this is a CAST PARTY for the local little theatre. Man, I've been to those and I don't remember hardly any naked chasing.


The star actor in my high school was a devout Baptist who never smoked or drank or even swore. I'm sure this guy's cool too.


See, this is why kids shouldn't make out in cars.


So she's one of those "beats the living crap out of you" vampires, not a "suck your blood" vampire.


I'm not sure I'd draw the same conclusion this cop has if I saw one corpse that has no marks except for some blood under its otherwise pristine fingernails and another corpse that looks like it was worked over by the Capone gang for being short of this month's protection money but go off I guess.


What best friends are for is, apparently, lounging around in non-schoolmarm-looking PJs providing exposition for the readers. Thanks bestie!!

Meanwhile, Dawne of the undead gazes lovingly through Kris's window while her left hand has an AI hallucination.


tfw your best friend turns into Nosferatu but also the Cat in the Hat.


Whmost amonsgt us hasn't worn our polka-dot bedtime onesie to frolic in the night with our vampire bestie, who is somehow still dressed like a middle-aged accountant even as a sexy vampire?


While this is going on, Uncle Malachi sees what his late niece is doing, and bursts into action... BOOK BORROWING ACTION!!

What kind of parents gives one kid a really weird name and the other kid a totally ordinary, common name? That's a rhetorical question, I know exactly what kind of parents do that. AMA.


Time is running out, as Dawne teaches her vampire protege how to hunt for food in the moonlight, where they encounter a wild, open-range miniature French poodle wandering loose, as they do.


Uncle Malachi gets into book-reading action and learns through a family history book that every 7th generation a girl in his family is afflicted with a curse that causes her to... look too happily at her baby?


OK, I was joking before about Uncle Malachi taking action but he's only reading a book, now he's really taking real action... TELEPHONE PICKING UP BUT THEN HANGING UP BECAUSE THE LINE'S BUSY ACTION!!!


If only he was able to get to his brother's house in time to prevent the tragedy unfolding: that of being forced to witness high school students' poetry and dance recitals.


The next day the ever-intrepid detective Capt. Katz tracks down Dawne and Kris and arrests them on charges of being dead.


This time Uncle Malachi is really poised to strike, though, as he calls into action his sister and her lawyer, and bursts into LAWYER FILING LEGAL PAPERS ACTION



Capt. Katz is so stunned by the legal impossibility of filing charges against people who have all ready been declared dead that he... dissolves?


Aunt Laura, who I assume is a professional exorcist, attempts to break the family curse by sedating vampire Dawne and telling her to go to sleep. A lot more relaxed than those Catholic exorcists!


Hmmm... something about that last panel seems familiar... can't quite recall what it is, almost as if I'd seen it in a dream... something about a goat....


It's that part of the dream everyone has where they're torn to pieces by dogs but their head is still alive


It's that part of the dream everyone has where their disembodied but still living head is put on a little pedestal by their dead mom who's wearing a bird mask


I'm super duper unclear on how that was supposed to work but OK


Huh. Well, I guess that's how.


For the touching finale, Dawne's dead mom gives her the motherly gift of a wooden stake and a mallet, so Dawne can stake herself in her own heart and wake up from her dream, which was this comic, because you always wake up when you stake yourself in the heart in your dreams.


But it's a happy ending, as Dawne and Kris are returned to normal, and Dawne wears her most modest bikini on a lovely sea cruise.


I don't think that's what a "boor" is Kris.


Anyway, let's leave our girl in a better, more scantily-clad place, where she will probably not beat this young man to death.

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