The 1990s were a long time ago, you might say. Heck, you might even think the 2010s were a while back. And you'd be right. But at the same time, you'd be wrong, because all around us the 2010s and the 90s still live and breathe and fester, and nowhere do they fester as strongly as they do in the world of Stupid Comics. Back in 2011 we covered issue #2 of the extremely 90s comic "Shadow Slasher." Well, we thought that it was an amusing trifle and that we'd never see the Shadow Slasher's shadow slash across our path again. Wrong! we just found Shadow Slasher #1. The 90s AND the 2010s are BACK, BABY!!


So sit back in your easy chair, fire up the soundtrack of the decade of your choice, and let's get into exactly what makes the Shadow Slasher so slashy and shadowy and so filled with scratchy little ink lines, poor anatomy, and let's just say a minimal approach to scriptwriting.

(spoilers: the answer is Image Comics. That's why.)


"I remember the night the killings started, the body was so mutilated, the head so deformed and squashed out of shape that it... wait a minute."


The public shivered in terror in front of their TVs and sodas, critizing the police for failing to halt these senseless murders... until the murder that showed the police were even more inefficient than they'd thought. That silenced them, all right.


Today is a sad occasion for we

have gathered to bid a final farewell to my upper lip. Anybody see where it went?


The entire police force lusts for vengeance. Isn't that right, Police Captain Kangaroo?


I didn't know what I was expecting from this first issue of Shadow Slasher, but it definitely wasn't tips on how not to dress for funerals.


"So what happened to this person who was slashed by the Shadow Slasher? Was he slashed? In the shadows? Come on, don't make me guess."


There, he was slashed. Wasn't so hard, was it.


Now, rip your coat to "shreads," and load the night up with exposition, they've got fourteen whole pages to fill with maybe six pages worth of story, every bit of exposition helps.


This new ad campaign for Little Caesar's is kind of weird! Anyway, the hunger must be fed and Little Caesar's is always hot and ready, so slash yourself some today.


"Don't F with me tonight Jimi, my neck is stretched almost to the limit! Be terrible if somebody was to slash it!"


You want to get your bikini area close to the mutilated corpse, that's really the best way to properly gather crime scene evidence.


Hey Shadow Slasher, Spawn called. He wants his... uh, his entire everything back.


You thought wasting entire pages on single panels was indulgent? Watch the creative team take one drawing, turn it sideways, and waste TWO entire pages. Two full pages, and they won't even show us Shadow Slasher's feet. Feet weren't important in the 90s.


Riplash - that's her name, Riplash - is really committed to Shadow Slasher slashing, but maybe instead of battling serial killers in alleys, she should be making an appointment to get some medical imaging done so they can find out exactly what's wrong with her skeletal structure, her musculature, and whatever they call it when fake boobs become detached and just sort of start rolling around every which way, because that's what's going on here.


"Ya see it's kind of like Spider-Man, except it's a chick in a bikini with huge boobs that always point at the reader no matter which way she's standing. And her whip shooters - not web shooters, but whip shooters - go "chuff" instead of "thwipp." Totally different."


The Shadow Slasher has no concept of no compassion and no mercy. Whereas the writer has no concept of double negatives.


Sure, you could find photo references for a woman doing a high kick. Or you could just assemble a body, Dr. Frankenstein style, out of swipes from other artists who were themselves swiping from other artists, and so on and so forth, and it would... look terrible. Terrible it is!


I'm glad somebody is getting some pleasure out of this comic book. Not me, that last panel there, where the head is from somewhere and the torso is from somewhere else and the arm is from yet a third location, it hurts just to look at.


Riplash's body is constantly being wrenched and broken into new, horribly disfiguring shapes! And that's BEFORE Shadow Slasher punches her.


That's right, you've had a gun all this time. Now start shooting with what looks like somebody else's arm!


And with this moon over Detroit, we've reached the end. "The End." Get it? But don't fret! The Shaga of the Shadow Slasher is not over! In fact you can see this very panel repurposed twice in Shadow Slasher #2, which, as we mentioned, we covered years ago. Please join us in the future for a look at Shadow Slasher #3, which, if we stick to our schedule, should be happening... let's see... sometime in the 2030s.

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