Well, it's time for another one of those Christian Archie comics masterminded by Al Hartley. Having already used titles like "Archie's Car", "Archie's Clean Slate", "Archie's One Way" and "Archie's World," his first challenge is coming up with an exciting new title. Something eye-catching, something unique, it's going to have to be something else!
Hartley used these comics to engage in the sort of real-world editorializing that he couldn't do in regular newsstand comics. Here, Hartley is clearly advocating for a Special Purpose Local Option Outdoor Sales Honorarium, I'm guessing?
We begin our story of America's Favorite Teenager with one of America's favorite teenage activities, calling in bomb threats to get out of a test.
Another one of America's favorite teenage activites: the ticking gag gift!
Wise to the personal hygiene habits of teenagers, Weatherbee correctly assumes Archie probably needs to be hosed down just on general principles.
You can always tell a late-period Al Hartley comic on account of every panel's filled with stars and clouds of steam, flashes and lines radiate from character's heads, and why use one exclamation point or question mark when three will do??? I get winded just reading these comics.
Here we get to the real meat of the story, which is the failure of the American medical system to diagnose the causes of chronic pain, combined with the lack of paid sick leave for educational administration professionals. Lay off the organ meats, Weatherbee!
Will Weatherbee continue this impromptu Bible drama and cast seven demons out of this new student?
Look, I agree. Non-representational art IS kind of confusing!
These comics all run to the same formula; Archie's got to find the reciept for that clock so he can return it to the store, Weatherbee has to do anything except actually administrate his school, and Jughead has to stuff something into his face at all times.
Archie at crotch level under Weatherbee's desk? The erotic fan fiction is literally writing itself at this point!
Everybody in the world knew about the bomb threat except for the people actually threatened by the bomb? Great plan, Weatherbee.
Ah yes, Weatherbee's image as a vital, athletic, pain-free man of action... Wouldn't wanna ruin that image.
Definitely a good use of TV station resources, sending the camera crew out to get footage of the dope-addled Satan worshippers of (checks notes) Riverdale High.
WAIT a minute, is this comic suggesting THE MEDIA might choose SENSATIONALISM over FACTS?? Well, I never.
They've got you there, Weatherbee. Can't argue with facts.
Show us the perverts - SHOW US THE PERVERTS!!!
How will Weatherbee foil these sleazy exploitative news media ghouls and save the image of Riverdale? Only one solution!
He'll call in Archie Andrews: Agent of C.H.A.O.S.
Gotta say, having a student so obviously challenged both mentally and verbally that he appears to be zonked out on drugs isn't looking good for Riverdale High's teaching methods.
"D-uh, I dunno. Are stee-roids a drug? That's what Midge keeps feedin' me. She's taking care of muh body real good!"
Assume a properly devotional demeanor, clear your mind of impure thoughts, and get ready for the real star of these Christian Archie comics - the Winsor & Newton Series 7 Kolinsky Sable #25 Hartley's using here for that gigantic Betty Cooper ink line!
Here are the last three people on Earth who never heard that old saying "as long as there are math tests, there will be prayer in schools." I absolutely love how shocked Perm Dude is, how totally appalled he is at seeing people praying.
Squares, man, squares! Straight out of cubesville, dad.
Fraternities, sororities, discrimination, hazing, pranks, paddling, hope there's lots of paddling, it looks great on camera.
All settled two thousand years ago? I can think of a few centuries that didn't get THAT particular memo!
You just try holding Bible study without Weatherbee shoving his way forward to talk about Galatians. The man is a BIBLE NERD
What he means is that the Bible Club makes regular, generous, and discreet donations to the, um, Weatherbee Fund for, uh, Comfortable School Administration Retirement.
Look, all we're saying is that we as a society shouldn't accept any body of religious writings that fails to address the issue of making and/or carrying out bomb threats! What do you think, Cousin It?
Legion's been into everything! Pills, flowers, fat stacks of cash, building model kits, burning incense, raising reptiles, and using precision scales. He's far out!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE A TITLE
All the world's problems solved by making one sign with the word "Jesus" on it. Wait, it's in the shape of a heart! Amazing.
Fine, Legion. And what are your thoughts about "Time" and "Newsweek?"
They're having a Bible class, but they aren't learning about religion. Yeah, I know. Try not to think about it too hard. In the meantime get those cameras out of here, there's bound to be a prison riot or a protest march happening somewhere!
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